1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

Page 76 of 1506
  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    There was panic in France this morning as the Channel Tunnel remains closed,
    cutting off the main French escape route to England.
     
    #1501
    antipodean exile, Feb 24, 2017
  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    **PLEASE BE CAREFUL ABOUT INFORMATION GIVEN ONLINE**...Last night my wife was talking to a guy online.
    He seemed a really nice guy at first but soon he started begging to meet up for sex.
    Fcuk me, he should"ve asked for a photo first.
     
    #1502
    antipodean exile, Feb 24, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    An American and a Ukranian in front of the urinals.
    The American pulls out his huge cock and says proudly to the Ukranian:
    Buffalo Bill!
    The Ukranian pulls out three enormous cocks and says:
    Chernobyl!
     
    #1503
    antipodean exile, Feb 24, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1504
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 24, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1505
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 24, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight." She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply.

    So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful."

    So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!
     
    #1506
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 24, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    I found my first grey pubic hair today.

    Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
     
    #1507
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 25, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    My girlfriend said our sex life was getting dull, and I should try and think outside the box.
    So I gave it to her up the arse.
     
    #1508
    antipodean exile, Feb 26, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    A Charity Pantomine in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted,
    "He"s behind you."
     
    #1509
    antipodean exile, Feb 26, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    Quick everyone, the DFS Sofa sale finishes on Sunday.............and it doesn't start again until Monday!
     
    #1510
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 26, 2017

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    I went on a rollercoaster yesterday, and the woman next to me wouldn't stop screaming.

    Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before.
     
    #1511
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 26, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    I hear Harrison Ford only has one testicle.

    Or Hang Solo as he likes to call it.
     
    #1512
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 26, 2017
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    Apparently Coleen Rooney was behind Wayne not going to China.

    Something to do with the number of single Chinese women over retirement age!
     
    #1513
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 26, 2017
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
    swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat
    with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
    "You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is
    so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two
    hundred words!"
    "Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do
    realize that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really
    understand what they mean."
    "Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."
     
    #1514
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 26, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    At the wine merchant’s the taster had died and the director started looking to hire a new person. A drunk with a ragged appearance came in to apply for the position. The director wondered what he could do to get rid of him.


    He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old , grown on a northern slope , matured in steel containers. Low grade but just acceptable”


    “That’s correct” said the amazed director. “Try another glass” “A Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results”


    “Completely correct – another glass” “This is a superior Chardonnay champagne, high grade and exclusive” said the drunk calmly.


    The director was astonished. He went over to his secretary and whispered something to her. She left the room and returned shortly with a glass of urine. The drunk tasted it , paused then said


    “Blonde 26 years old and three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father”
     
    #1515
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 26, 2017
    antipodean exile likes this.
  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    What do you call a load of lesbians on top of each other?
    A block of flaps
     
    #1516
    antipodean exile, Feb 26, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    I hear that they"ve found the source of the China earthquake.
    Believed to have been caused by a group of American tourists doing an aerobic class.
     
    #1517
    antipodean exile, Feb 26, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    A girl brought her boyfriend home late one night.
    With her parents being asleep in bed, she asked him to be quiet.
    So when he said he was desperate to use the bathroom , rather than sending him upstairs and risk waking her parents, she told him to use the kitchen sink instead. A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.
    "Have you finished" she whispered.
    "Yeah" he said,
    "Have you got any paper?"
     
    #1518
    antipodean exile, Feb 26, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,403
    Likes Received:
    27,575
    The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...
    It"s not my fault, I just fcuking panicked and swam to the surface!
     
    #1519
    antipodean exile, Feb 26, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,430
    Likes Received:
    263,427
    "I watched that programme the other day, the one with all the cheap nasty antiques on it." I said to my mate.

    "You mean Bargain Hunt?" He replied.

    "No, Loose women!"
     
    #1520
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 27, 2017
Page 76 of 1506

Share This Page