Off Topic Jokes thread

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground

laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

 

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's and his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

 

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

 

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.

All I did was say, 'Hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

 

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

 

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.

I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

 

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

 

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."