Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Q. Why did David Beckham go out and buy a Los Angeles Police car ?

A. He saw '911' on the side and thought it was a Porsche

 

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

 

A man goes to the doctor's and says to him, "There's something wrong with my arse". The doc say's "What are the symptoms?" So the man says, "My arse keeps singing, Glory, Glory, Man United". The doctor replies, "Don't worry, that's perfectly normal, all arseholes sing that"

I'll get my coat .....................

 

Q. How many surealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. FISH

 

Q. What do you call a good looking girl in 1p5wich ?

A. A tourist

 

I notice that chip hasn't fallen off your shoulder or are your piles playing you up again?

 

Scientists have found that more & more woman are developing "Hoover disease"
After years of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise & dont suck any more !

 

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts,
Paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.
He was informed that this was not an option with a KFC bargin bucket.

 

Horray!!!!!!!
If it's OK with the rest of you I'm going to paste some of the snakepit jokes on here, it seems a shame to lose all that effort everyone
put in, so there may be a sudden influx of old stuff, if you haven't read them before please do so they're great, AND PLEASE PLEASE don't be shy
anything goes!!!!!

ILD OTBC

 

What happens when a dwaf runs through a womans legs?
He gets a clit accross the ear and a flap accross the face!%

 

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got syphillis and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have syphillis"

 

Sorry to be a pedant, but I think the punchline is actually "I've been well"


Anyone just see Tim Vine on the One Show? I'll nick a couple of his if I may;

I used to have a one armed butler with a bad attitude - he could take it, but he couldn't dish it out

conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes!

 

Prositute went to the Doctors,
"Congratulations your pregnant, do you know who the father is?"
Hooker replies,
"If you ate a can of baked beans would you know which one made you fart?"

 

From the late and great Mr Tommy Cooper:

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

R.I.P. Tommy

 

Went to the doctors the other day, he said "what's wrong with you?"
So I told him "every time I touch my nose it hurts, every time I touch my knee it hurts, every time I touch me elbow it hurts and in fact whenever I touch anywhere on my body it hurts"
And he said "I know what's wrong with you....

















































....you've broken your finger"

 

Guy playing golf puts his ball into a garden, walks over and says " excuse me may i have my ball back", homeowner says "no, it's mine now", guy walks back to his bag, takes out another ball and throws into the garden, homeowner says "what did you do that for", guy says "every prick should have 2 balls.

 

A blind man goes for a job as Quality Control Manager at a woodmill. The manager thinks he will amuse him so grants him an interview.
"How do you propose doing the job if you can't see?" asks the manager.
"Oh that's no problem" says the blind man, "I can tell a piece of wood just by smelling it" he says.
"OK" says the manager, "if you don't mind, I'd like to put that to the test".
He puts a bit of wood under the guys nose. "Ah, that's Fir" says the man. "About 40 years old, cut down 8 days ago."
"I'm impressed" says the manager. "Now try this one".
"Aha, that's Cedar" says the man, "at least 60 years old and cut down yesterday".
"Well I never" says the manager "just one more".
With that he takes his secretary aside and says he wants to trick the old boy. Would she take her knickers off and stick her fanny in the blokes face. She nods and takes off her knickers and shoves her fanny in the blokes face.
"Haha" the old boy exclaims, "good try but you can't trick me".
"That's the **** house door off a tuna boat!"

 

I swallowed a bottle of tippex last night...woke up with a massive correction.

 

I bought 25 gallons of Tippex on Ebay last week - BIG mistake!!