Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

The second Fifty shades of grey film is set to be the sexiest film ever,

unless you're Welsh in which case it's the Shawn the Sheep movie.

 

Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned!"

The priest replies, "Come forth my child!"

Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"

 

"You're going to have to change the ringtone on your phone," my wife said to me.

"What's wrong with The Final Countdown?" I said. "You know I love that song."

"You work in a Nursing Home for fu*k sake!" She replied.

 

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant!!Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........
It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take !
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"

 

Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?

The police have 5,000 pictures of him.

 

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

 

Squirrel Problem ?

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a
synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as
many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

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Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated Benefits Question:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed


THE ANSWER:

Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK

Welcome!

Jeremy Corbyn.

 

A Teacher Asks Little Johnny What He Did Over The Weekend
"My Cat Died" Exclaimed Johnny "I Knew He Was Dead Cos I Pissed In His Ear" ,
The Teacher Says "You Did What!?",
And Johnny Says "I Leant Over And Went "Psst", And The Little Fcuker Didn"t Move!"

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.

 

A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.

He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?" Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some.

The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster"

 

Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at the Etihad Stadium?

Because it's the only place in the world with no atmosphere.

 

I got thrown out of our local RSPCA meeting the other week, we went in to a small room and all I said was, "there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."

 

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I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her.

"No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young."

"How do you know my name?" she asked.

 

It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.

Except, when you're in prison...