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Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Discussion in 'Norwich City' started by Resurgam, Feb 10, 2012.

Page 75 of 89
  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear range.

    In hindsight "Shatner Knickers" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.
     
    #1481
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 7, 2017
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Bear Grylls is set to bring out a range of alcoholic drinks, but it won't work.

    Fosters already have the lager that tastes of piss market covered!
     
    #1482
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 7, 2017
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Ireland"s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

    Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.
     
    #1483
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 7, 2017
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Got stopped by a bloke the other day who asked me if a knew if there was a B&Q in Wallsall,

    I said don"t ask me mate a can"t fu*king spell.
     
    #1484
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 7, 2017
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action.
    He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.
    He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say,
    "What the f*ck do you think you"re doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what you"re paid to do."
    The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you"re right."
    The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!"
    The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn"t realise I"d run back that far."
     
    #1485
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1486
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If you ever Google 'Gary Oldman' for f*ck sake never forget the 'r.'
     
    #1487
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
  8. Walsh.i.am

    Walsh.i.am Well-Known Member
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    A
    little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box,
    it's a rooster."

    Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
    these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
    cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


    (scroll
    down)





    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
     
    #1488
    Walsh.i.am, Apr 9, 2017
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly, but there's a paper bag machine in the gents.
     
    #1489
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
  10. Walsh.i.am

    Walsh.i.am Well-Known Member
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    Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

    In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

    One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

    The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

    A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

    The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

    Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

    The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "
     
    #1490
    Walsh.i.am, Apr 10, 2017
    Wooperts_duck likes this.

  11. ilovedelia

    ilovedelia Well-Known Member

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    It says on my packet of Kellogg's cornflakes
    that "We don't make cornflakes for anyone else"! F*****g liars, I was at my brothers last night and he'd got a box!
     
    #1491
    ilovedelia, Apr 10, 2017
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  12. JM Fan

    JM Fan Well-Known Member

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    A chap was sitting at a bar chatting to the landlord and said that he could identify a timber by its smell and feel. The landlord said, “No way” and after much discussion said to the punter, “OK, if you can do it, I’ll give you free beer for life”.
    The punter took up the challenge and he was duly blindfolded.
    He was taken to the landlord’s flat and at the first bit of timber, he correctly identified it as a mahogany table. At the next piece, he said that it was a pine dresser and the next, he said it was an oak bed frame and the next he said it was a willow cricket bat. By this time, the landlord was getting slightly worried that he might lose his bet and so returned to the bar, where he gave the barmaid a pencil and whispered something to her. She blushed and disappeared to the toilet, returning a couple of minutes later. The punter was duly given a piece of timber and he was obviously flummoxed, as he took quite a while before declaring –
    “I’ve got it” he says, “It’s the bog door off a Grimsby trawler!!!”
     
    #1492
    JM Fan, Apr 10, 2017
    Wooperts_duck and canary-dave like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    As chairman of the Blind Society, I've been accused of needlessly wasting money.

    So I've arranged a fireworks display to cheer everyone up.
     
    #1493
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It's Good Friday this week and our thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross.

    Happy Easter Andy Carroll.
     
    #1494
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I just posted a joke about United Airlines but the company forcibly removed it !
     
    #1495
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts.
    A woman at the party said to me, "this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?"
    "A premature ejaculation," I said.
    "What do you mean?" replied the woman.
    "I"ve come in my pants," I said.
     
    #1496
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A koala bear wandered into a whorehouse and found a sleeping prostitute.
    The bear crawled up on her and started licking her privates.
    The woman woke up and was a little freaked out to see a bear licking her, but she decided it felt pretty good and she let the bear continue.
    The koala kept going and eventually mounted the prostitute, has a great old time, and then walked toward the door.
    The prostitute got up and shouted at the bear, "Hey, you have to pay for that!"
    The koala shrugged.
    "No, you don"t understand." she said to the bear, "I"m a pro-sti-tute. PRO-STI-TUTE. I get paid for having sex!"
    The koala stared blankly.
    "Look, right here." The prostitute grabbed a dictionary and showed the koala the definition. "Says right here, "Prostitute: One who is paid for sexual services."
    The koala looked at the book, then flipped the pages back to "Koala" and showed her the definition:"
    Australian marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
     
    #1497
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."

    Not the best thing to sing outside an impotent support group.
     
    #1498
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1499
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
  20. ilovedelia

    ilovedelia Well-Known Member

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    I went to a fancy dress do with a rubber Jonny on my face, the host said what have you come as? I replied F€~k Nose!
     
    #1500
    ilovedelia, Apr 13, 2017
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