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Bad Joke Thread - Volume 2

Discussion in 'Norwich City' started by Resurgam, Feb 10, 2012.

  1. canary-dave

    canary-dave Well-Known Member

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    There are a few dick heads that should wear one on their head! <yikes>
     
    #1501
  2. Resurgam

    Resurgam Top Analyst
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    I saw a window cleaner in town the other day, cleaning shop windows
    He was effing and blinding like nobody's business, and was wiping the windows with his sleeve..........















    I guess he had just lost his rag :)
     
    #1502
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Mamma Mia, an Abba track or a Yorkshire kid telling their Mum they've arrived.
     
    #1503
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple of Jehovah's witnesses just knocked on my door.

    I asked, "Is it true you people don't believe in blood transfusions?"

    One of them said, "That's correct sir."

    I said, "That's a shame."

    The other one said, "Why do you say that?"

    I said, "Because if you bang on my door again at 8.30am on a Sunday morning you're both going to need one."
     
    #1504
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just want to thank a few people for helping with my preparation for this years London marathon.

    SCS, for the sofa, LG for the TV, Hovis and Danish for the bacon sandwich......
     
    #1505
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1506
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
    The agent asked, "What's your name?"
    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
    FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
    Thank you for your advice.
    Sincerely,
    Dick van Dyke.
     
    #1507
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

    Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
     
    #1508
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Imagine being 85.
    A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day.
    Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer.
    Well, that"s not for everyone of course.
    Some of us arn"t fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.
     
    #1509
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1510
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1511
    ncgandy likes this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1512
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1513
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Gutted you didn't get a ticket for Glastonbury this year?

    Just put 12 different cd's on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.
     
    #1514
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1515
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I've just been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

    I can't wait to rub it in!
     
    #1516
    zogean_king likes this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife said she's leaving me to go and live with her mum in Australia because I make a song and dance about everything.

    She's leaving on a jet plane, don't know when she'll be back again.....
     
    #1517
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    That settles it, I'm never going back to Yorkshire again.

    I went into the local department store and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary.
     
    #1518
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1519
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it.
    Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.
    She's a cracker.
     
    #1520

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