Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying "Interviews for deaf people only". Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door". He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you"re not deaf at all. get out". Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don"t shut the door. Mick goes into the room and the interviewer says "Shut the door", and Mick replies "Shut it yerself!!!!"
A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, "Lord, can you help me?" And a voice said, "Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God." And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can feckin help me?"
A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says, "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops." WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be f*cking Coco Pops!"
I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say, "Oh packing fudge are we?" Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again." Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts. I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third promotion this year..............I don't know how she does it! please log in to view this image
I've just applied to take part in an adult movie. The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches. I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 11.
There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is." Bloody Foreigner.......
I'm opening a gym today that teaches people power walking and door knocking. I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.
Man goes into Doctors. "I think I've got this bird flu thing that"s been going round." The doctor says, "What makes you think that?" The man replies, "Well, I've starting wearing make up, talking bollocks, and I can"t park the f*cking car."
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.""I know, father." "In fact, I don"t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman"s boobs and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don"t see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely boobs, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man"s Willie. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my Willie in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father that"s wonderful, stick it in the camel and let"s get the hell out of here."