Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.

 

PITA - now that's no joke.........only in Canada as they say.....and that part of his anatomy will possibly get a good workout in his new lodgings....just don't drop the damn bar of soap in the shower!

Canada mint worker who hid $130,000 of gold in rectum jailed

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Royal Canadian Mint Investigators found vaseline in Lawrence's locker

A former Royal Canadian Mint employee has been sentenced to 30 months in prison for stealing gold coins by concealing them in his rectum. Leston Lawrence stole $127,116 (CA$165,451; £100,000) of gold in 22 pieces.

The 35-year-old, who was found guilty last November, was caught after he had successfully sold 17 of the gold pieces through Ottawa Gold Buyers. Ontario Court Judge Peter Doody ordered Lawrence to pay a $145,900 fine.

Passing sentence on Thursday, he ruled that Lawrence should serve another 30 months in prison if he fails to pay the penalty within three years of his release.

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Lawrence worked at the Royal Canadian Mint from 2008 until 2015

Investigators found vaseline and latex gloves in the mint employee's locker.

Judge Doody said these items "could have been used to facilitate insertion of gold items inside his rectum", reports the Toronto Star.

The 17 laundered pucks weighed as much as 264g apiece and were sold for sums up to $7,300 each between 2014 and 2015.

Lawrence was convicted of conveying gold out of the mint, breach of trust by a public official and possession of property obtained by crime.

He used the money to buy a boat in Florida and build a house in Jamaica, the court heard.
Lawrence's job was to purify gold and he occasionally worked alone in an area not covered by security cameras.

He worked at the mint from 2008 to 2015.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38848211

 

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I love the fact that his job was to purify the gold, yet he put it up his arse.

 

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the

ranch, but knew very little about ranching,

so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it

would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.


Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into

town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went

into town one Saturday night.


One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,

he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of

wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."



He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into

town again, you're fired."

 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.