I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.”Where does poo come from?” she asks. The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: “Well you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the girl. “Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.” The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: “And Tigger?”
PITA - now that's no joke.........only in Canada as they say.....and that part of his anatomy will possibly get a good workout in his new lodgings....just don't drop the damn bar of soap in the shower! Canada mint worker who hid $130,000 of gold in rectum jailed please log in to view this image Royal Canadian Mint Investigators found vaseline in Lawrence's locker A former Royal Canadian Mint employee has been sentenced to 30 months in prison for stealing gold coins by concealing them in his rectum. Leston Lawrence stole $127,116 (CA$165,451; £100,000) of gold in 22 pieces. The 35-year-old, who was found guilty last November, was caught after he had successfully sold 17 of the gold pieces through Ottawa Gold Buyers. Ontario Court Judge Peter Doody ordered Lawrence to pay a $145,900 fine. Passing sentence on Thursday, he ruled that Lawrence should serve another 30 months in prison if he fails to pay the penalty within three years of his release. please log in to view this image Lawrence worked at the Royal Canadian Mint from 2008 until 2015 Investigators found vaseline and latex gloves in the mint employee's locker. Judge Doody said these items "could have been used to facilitate insertion of gold items inside his rectum", reports the Toronto Star. The 17 laundered pucks weighed as much as 264g apiece and were sold for sums up to $7,300 each between 2014 and 2015. Lawrence was convicted of conveying gold out of the mint, breach of trust by a public official and possession of property obtained by crime. He used the money to buy a boat in Florida and build a house in Jamaica, the court heard. Lawrence's job was to purify gold and he occasionally worked alone in an area not covered by security cameras. He worked at the mint from 2008 to 2015. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38848211
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
HOW THE JEWS SANK THE TITANIC. The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate mutual dislike. Oncethey reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.. .' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence... I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah...all the same!!'
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.” The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued,“And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir.Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.” “Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.” “All of these ideas have been good,” said the elderly priest, “But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.” “But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!” “Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.........but the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!”
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
For those of you who don't know how to satisfy a woman. The G spot is located at the end of the word Shopping.
I stayed at my mates house in Liverpool last night. It was so bloody cold this morning. I went out to the car and it was minus four. Minus four fu*king wheels, Ba*tards!
The Liverpool team visited an orphanage in Liverpool yesterday. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Bradley aged 6.
Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the Liverpool football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday. They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.
I just had a go of the Liverpool version of Monopoly. Its just like regular monopoly except every space says go to jail.