Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at the Etihad Stadium? Because it's the only place in the world with no atmosphere.
I got thrown out of our local RSPCA meeting the other week, we went in to a small room and all I said was, "there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu. He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?" Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster"
I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her. "No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young." "How do you know my name?" she asked.
It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope. Except, when you're in prison...
My eleven year old son came home from school yesterday, all embarrassed, and told me they had done "Sex Education" in class. Later, I went into his bedroom to find him humping away on next doors ten-year-old daughter. As you can imagine, I went mad! "What the hell do you think you"re doing?" I screamed. He looked at me and said, "erm.......homework?"
I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a real girlfriend experience. When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub." We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.
Scientists proved there is a link between heading a ball and Alzheimer’s, after Liverpool players couldn’t remember the last time they won something.....
This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies "No" she responds "Oh, thank **** for that! I don't want to get that again!"
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna ŵank?" she asked. "You bet!" came the excited reply. "OK" she said. "I come back in ten minutes".
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met your wife today and she informed me that she has invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million - and I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
I went into the library and asked if they had a book called, "How to spot a lady-boy." He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere." I said, "That's the one."