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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The football season is now over, better talk to my wife.

    I wonder what she's been up to for the past 9 months?
     
    #2741
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Thinking of getting rid of the wife, British Gas say they will give me £50 for my old boiler.
     
    #2742
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar, a country where you cannot drink alcohol.

    This will be the one World Cup the Scots will ironically qualify for.......
     
    #2743
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Dave, I'm already on my 4th can of lager."

    "I don't fu*king believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my 4th can?"
     
    #2744
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I think the wife's taken the news of James Bonds death really badly.

    I came home from work early, and she's upstairs in the bedroom screaming "Roger, more, Roger, more"

    So I left her to it.
     
    #2745
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #2746
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2747
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2748
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying "Interviews for deaf people only".
    Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door".
    He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you"re not deaf at all. get out".

    Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don"t shut the door. Mick goes into the room and the
    interviewer says "Shut the door", and Mick replies "Shut it yerself!!!!"
     
    #2749
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, "Lord, can you help me?"

    And a voice said, "Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God."

    And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can feckin help me?"
     
    #2750
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
    "You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing."
    The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says,
    "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm.
    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
    "Oh, sh*t mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops."
    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
    She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
    "I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be f*cking Coco Pops!"
     
    #2751
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I had a job at a Cadbury's factory putting fudge bars in to boxes. I had to quit though because every time someone would walk past they would say, "Oh packing fudge are we?"
    Or "Hey up, he's packing fudge again."
    Since then I've applied for a job in a clothing factory lifting boxes of shirts.

    I'm hoping the name calling will stop now.
     
    #2752
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Congratulations to my friend Debbie on her third promotion this year..............I don't know how she does it!

    please log in to view this image
     
    #2753
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I've just applied to take part in an adult movie.

    The advert says that male applicants must be bigger than 7 inches.

    I should be fine then, I'm 5ft 11.
     
    #2754
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing, "I want to know what love is."

    Bloody Foreigner.......
     
    #2755
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'm opening a gym today that teaches people power walking and door knocking.

    I'm calling it, 'Jehovah's Fitness'.
     
    #2756
    Wooperts_duck, May 28, 2017
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  17. old timer

    old timer Well-Known Member

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    Paddy applies for a job as a lumberjack so they give him a chainsaw and tell him to clear the trees in the area marked out, at the end of the day Paddy goes bank to the office and they ask him how many trees he had cut down in the 8 hours he had worked 3 replies Paddy the B----y saw is blunt. The boss goes up to the site and starts up the saw and Paddy shouts Shut that noise up
     
    #2757
    old timer, May 29, 2017
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
     
    #2758
    kiwiqpr, May 31, 2017
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  19. old timer

    old timer Well-Known Member

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    A Scotsman , Englishman and an Irishman worked together on a new tower block that was being built and when they sat down for lunch on one of the girders at the top of the building and opened their sandwiches to eat them. Upon seeing the cucumber sandwiches in the lunchbox the Englishman said if I have cucumber sandwiches again I'll jump this girder, the Scotsman finding he had cheese sandwiches again said he would join him. The Irishman opened his and found ham sandwiches and also said he would join them. The following day at lunch time the Englishman opened his lunch box and jumped off the girder quickly followed by the Scotsman and the Irishman.
    The wives of the three men were talking at the wake of the Irishman and the English mans wife said that if she had known he was fed up with cucumber sandwiches she would have given something different this was also echoed by the Scotsman wife but the Irishman's wife said she didn't understand because her husband made his own sandwiches
     
    #2759
    old timer, May 31, 2017
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  20. old timer

    old timer Well-Known Member

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    A man walked into a pub and ordered a beer and whiskey drank the beer straight down and poured the whiskey into his top pocket he then asked for another round and did exactly the same when he ordered a third round the barman said I think you have had enough mate and the man said if you don't serve me I will punch on the nose and a mouse popped out of his top pocket and said and that goes for your cat to

    Sorry for the awful jokes but you keep encouraging me
     
    #2760
    old timer, May 31, 2017
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