Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Is it brown Windsor?

 

Mate of mine went home early & heard noises coming from upstairs, thinking they had burglars he grabbed a large knife and crept upstairs, bursting thru the doors he saw his mate humping his mrs, in his anger he stabbed him between the shoulders, looking surprised his wife said " if you carry on like that you won't have any mates left"

 

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 

I burned my Hawaiian pizza the other day, I should have put the oven on Aloha setting.

 

Only one of these is my own!!

I went to the Doctor the other day and said that some mornings I felt like a Circus marquee and on others I felt like a bivouac. He said I was two tents.

A woman sleeps with 20 men and she's called a whore, a man does the same thing and he's called a poof.

"Do you know Teresa May?" "I didn't, but thanks for the tip."

What do you call a woman standing between two goal posts? Annette.

What do you call a man standing between two buildings? Ali.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum? Warren.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea? Bob.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene.

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.

What do you call an exasperated Jamaican? Simon.

 

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
So I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy!

 

Islam TV Guide

6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.

8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to make over the world.

13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic
behaviour.

18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

24.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

24.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

 

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God
> looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I
> must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks
> Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks
> God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying
> true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I
> always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see
> the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
> Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
>
> Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are
> the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too,
> have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true
> patriot and a loyal American."
> God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he
> offers her a seat to his right.
> Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
> believe?"
> Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

 

Adopt A Terrorist -This is BRILLIANT ! '

I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE IN THE CURRENT USA OR UK CHAIN-OF-COMMAND COMPOSING SUCH A BRILLIANT RESPONSE!!
Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss

The Canadians know how to handle complaints.

Here is an example.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive
insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists capturedby Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held byAfghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleasedto learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department ofNational Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place themin homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detaineehas been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demandedin your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standardsof care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problemsas mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however,westrongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent,but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common householdproducts, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terroristis extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take himwhile helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property,thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that hewill recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficultiesyou encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our joband care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence

 

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.

“We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

“Aah, that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door.

As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.”

Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked.

“Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

Thinking quickly, John responded in a angry voice, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

 

please log in to view this image

 

T NOW!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
MORE TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGH​

 

I was shaggin the girlfriend last night when she said, "God I feel dirty tonight, If you turn off the light, you can shove it up my arse."
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down

 

I've just found out the human body is over 60% water. So It turns out that my wife isn't fat, she's just flooded.

 

There's a peculiar new craze at my office where people are giving names to food in the company fridge.

Today I ate a tuna sandwich called Kevin.

 

My wife told me that her doctor has advised her not to have sex for at least 3 months.

"Oh", I replied,"and what did your dentist say?"

 

At a recent visit to a mental hospital, I asked the director how it was possible to determine whether a person should be institutionalised or not.

"That's easy", he replied,"we fill a bath tub with water, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and tell them to empty it".

"Oh, I see!" I responded,"a normal person would, of course, use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon and the teacup, wouldn't they?"

"No", he said,"a normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed by the window?"

 

WTF?