I bumped into one of my old school mates today who I haven't seen for ages. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
My local pet shop had a sign saying: "Amsterdam kittens for sale". I went in and asked, "how Dutch is that moggy in the window?"
please log in to view this image When you are finishedBBQing, and the ice has melted, just pull the handle down & the fire goes out. Is this a great country, or what?!!
A mate of mine went to see his doctor complaining that after he masturbates he feels compelled to sing "Blue is the colour..." His doctor said not to worry as a lot of ****ers sing that.
I was watching 'The Chase' last night and Bradley Walsh asked a contestant,"what do Ryan Gosling, Britney Spears, Christina Aguleira and Justin Timberlake have in common?" The contestant answered,"Mickey Mouse Club?" to which Walsh replied that he'd give him that as they were all Chelsea fans.
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
what women would do if they had a penis for a day 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1. Repeat number 9......
I went to the doctors because I had trouble with my hearing. "What are the symptoms?" he enquired. "They're a little yellow cartoon family, why do you ask?"
Nine out of ten dermatologist's agree that towels are the main cause for dry skin... please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
If you thought that was bad then.... Be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat. My Nan had one, she slipped and fell one day and the cat literally sat there and did sod all. UTR's... please log in to view this image
Thought it best that we advertise all transfer signings here in this thread cause so far, it's been a friggin joke!
The reason I like Facebook is because the ladies there LIKE being followed. Unlike 'Little Miss ****ing Restraining Order' down the street...
The best thing about being married is that you can have sex whenever you want. Provided you have a vagina.