A man is stuck in traffic on the Hume Highway at Bass Hill. He asked a Police officer about the delay, as he is walking from car to car, speaking with each driver.The Policeman says, “There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if we don’t get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we’re taking up a collection for them.”The Man replies “How much have you got so far?”The Policeman responds, “About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high w*nking officer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times: Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."*
- The Geography of a Woman Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain . Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece . Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel . Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada . Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet .Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 1 and 80, a man is like North Korea and Zimbabwe; ruled by a pair of nuts.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passer-by remarked,... "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman." "Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?". "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears... He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"
Golf Panties....The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be ****ed if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bike!"
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date, Paddy says "she's a lovely girl but there's something you should know, she's expecting a baby". Next day Paddy asked Murphy how he got on, "Alright said Murphy apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy"
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths! Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story Go on admit it – It’s right every time isn't it.....?
My son asked, "Dad, where do animals go when they die?" I said, "It depends, son." He asked, "On whether they were good or bad?" I replied, "No, on whether they taste good or not."
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.
Did you hear about the lawyers who were going to sue Ikea? They assembled the case, but it collapsed.