Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Q: What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and ET?

A: ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own ****ing bike, and wanted to go home!

 

I went for a job interview today.

I was asked, "What do you do when things don't go to plan?"

I said, "I'll blame someone else."

Needless to say, I start working for Chelsea next week.

 

I bought a penis-casting kit and made my wife a chocolate dildo version of my cock for her birthday.

When she opened her present, the first thing she asked was, "Where is the other one?"

I said, "What the f*ck are you on about?"

She replied, "Don't Bountys come in twos?"

 

Whats worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole!

 

June Brown has announced that, at 88, she is going deaf and blind. She says she is looking forward to finally being able to sit through an entire episode of EastEnders.

 

Bill and Hillary
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:
"I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
And Hillary did so promise.
Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.
But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of
her. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.
Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious
as to why there was such a box, and with those contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However,
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need
to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put
an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again.
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.
I'm disappointed and saddened by your behaviour; however, since
you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times
is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling centre."

 

Ok this is pretty bad but here you go anyway! Ahem...

A cure for insomnia is on the way, reveals a spokesperson. But it's not going to happen overnight.

 

I was having sex the other day, banging away when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?" said my wife,

"Something I learnt from online porn, it's called 'buffering'."

 

My son asked me recently, "Where do babies come from Dad"

"Out of Mum's tummy," I explained.

"How do they get out," He then asked.

"Mummy has a special hole between her legs," I said to him.

"Well she's having another, I saw her feeding it a whole cucumber," he replied.

 

Registration on the first day back at school in Broadmeadows, Melbourne........



Ahmed Al Sheriah?

"here"



Mustafa Al Sheriah?

"here"



Fatima El Bindiri?

"here"



Ali Achmah Shabeeb?

"here"



Ali Sun Al En?

No answer!

Ali Sun Al En?



A little girl at the back stands up and says: "For ****'s sake. It's pronounced Alison Allen!"

 

My girlfriend really wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live on her birthday.

So I got her sister pregnant.

We're on next Tuesday.

 

The New Book

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "**** off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

 

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

 

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."

 

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her.
As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs.. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta Love Grandmas

 

This is pretty bad but here you go anyway...

Found out today the A-team actor I was trying to remember for ages is Dirk Benedict

It's great to be able to finally put a name to the Face.

 

Even worse this one...

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."

He said, "You have a wee cough?"

I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

 

There's definitely a stigma attached to buying flowers, I thought to myself at the checkout.

"Oh, you," said the cashier, rolling her eyes. "What have you done?"

"Killed a cyclist," I replied.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.