Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

The Patels were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Patel kissed his wife goodbye and said,!
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Patel cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Hari and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Patel.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Patel quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my Gosh!' Mrs. Patel exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Patel.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Patel, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And! for more than three hours, too.”
“The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Patel leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Patel fainted ! ! !

 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

 

I think I've worked out why only nine people have made donations to the National Sperm Bank...

It's probably because these days most people do their banking online.

 

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation.

Still got kicked out of my Weight Watchers meeting though.

 

Now that Tom Watson is deputy leader and Jeremy Corbyn is the leader, it's official:

The Labour party is now run by Tom & Jerry.

 

Riddle for seniors....
Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.On your left side is a sharp drop-off.On your right side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable toovertake it.Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
Think logically before you scroll down for the answer
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Quietly get off the merry-go-round and go home!

 

A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.

 

On the hunt for Iranian who walked into Manchester police asking to be deported as he'd had "enough of Manchester"

https://twitter.com/Polly_Boiko?ref_src=twsrc^google|twcamp^serp|twgr^author

 

Volkswagen senior management appear quite calm as they face this testing time.

Inside though, they're secretly fuming.

 

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

 

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movielast night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar..'

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh.. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'





He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "i've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!'

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady walked into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband".
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at
low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions
to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the
anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

 

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

 

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.. "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?"
"Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan! You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

 

An English schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Chelsea fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Chelsea fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Chelsea fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Chelsea fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a QPR fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.. "Janie, why are you an QPR fan?"
"Because my mum is a QPR fan, and my dad is a QPR fan, so I'm a QPR fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a QPR fan! You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Chealsea fan."