Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

 

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "F*ck!," the Rottweiler ate her!

……………………The teacher had to leave the room.

 

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or wasit one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and witheredhand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ........

"F**k off. They're for the funeral", she said.

 

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

 

I like my women how I like my advent calendar.
Against my wall, flaps open ready to be eaten.

EDIT:Sorry, not my joke so please don't shoot the messenger!

 

Im trying to learn Welsh but I haven't got a Clwyd!

What part of Wales are the people most cautious?
Caerphilly...

 

For those using dating sites. Please be advised that GSOH does not mean, Great Set Of Hooters.

 

Father: Listen son, no matter what you hear or read, w*nking will not make you go blind...

Son: Dad, I'm over here...

 

Here's a joke for you all ................... Powell as manager

 

God Said, "Adam, IWant you to do
Something for Me."
Adam Said, "Gladly,Lord, what do You Want me to do?"
GodSaid, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that To him, and then said,
"Go over to the Hill....."

Adam said,"What is a Hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On The Other side of the
Hill you will find a Cave."

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained,He Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'IWant youTo Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do That?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."

And then, Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as Well.

So, Adam goes down IntoThe valley,
Across the river, and Over the hill,
Into the Cave, and finds theWoman.

Then, in About five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is ItNow?"

And Adam said....
*

*


"What's a Headache?"

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
”Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
”I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of….. ”
At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
”Tell him about the day you told the witchdoctor to **** off.”

 

I've just left feedback for my second hand telescope I bought from eBay.

Rubbish; 2 Stars.

 

Hackers have obtained the personal details of 675,000 Wetherspoons customers.

Banks are predicting the compensation costs could literally run into tens of pounds.

 

Got run over by a limo this morning.

Took f*cking ages.

 

My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that...

 

I have an unnatural phobia of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.

 

I'm not saying Mother Nature has a thing for trannys, but i went outside and she was blowing a Gayle.

 

Calendar people are to ditch February, apparently it's days are numbered

 

A veteran pilot was riding home when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m going to commit a suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, she does, thoroughly… After she’s finished, the pilot says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl...”