Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

That's stupid, there are plenty of black quarterbacks in the NFL, one played last night in the Super Bowl.

 

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

 

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering..........




"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

 

Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview...

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting

at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude

to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one
hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how
good his manners. Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be

done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a
few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters
the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can
draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a
tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your
gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest
roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,

it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

 

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.


"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword inThe Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, .
ministering to their needs.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'


And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?


THAT , Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”

 

The homless problem would be solved if the big issue had tits in it...








Yes that was crap, it wasn't mine.


Sickpedia, the joke website I ussualy get mine from is offline for a day or two. Seems they be having the same issues this site had.

 

Yes, I have just lost my drivers license
I was stopped by police who claimed that I was drunk.
I assured them that I had not drunk anything, but they thought I should answer some questions to show if I was sober
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
- If you are driving on a dark road and meetings 2 light, what is it?
- A car.
- Yes, but it's a Mercedes, BMW or Audi?
- I do not know.
- So you're drunk. If you encounter 1 light, what is it?
- A motorcycle
- Yes, but it's a Honda, Kawasaki or a Harley?
- I do not know.
- So you're drunk!
Then I got mad and asked him:
- If you see a woman on a street corner, with net stockings, makeup and thigh length, what is it?
- A prostitute
- Yes but is it your daughter, mother or wife?
Since then I have no driver's license )

 

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

 

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

 

Once upon a time there was a king who
wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and
inquired as to the weather forecast for the
next few hours. The weatherman assured
him that there was no chance of rain in the
coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the
queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace at
once because in just a short time I expect a
huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he
replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in
high regard. He is an extensively educated
and experienced professional. And besides,
I pay him very high wages. He gave me a
very different forecast. I trust him and I will
continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain
fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked
and their entourage chuckled upon seeing
them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace
and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered
him the prestigious and high paying role of
royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not
know anything about forecasting. I obtain
my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with
certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb
asses to work in the government and occupy
its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice continues to this day...

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

 

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

 

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"

while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

Chelsea,Fulham,Brentford!

 

Had a great game of Scrabble with Midge Ure. Left with only four letters, which mean nothing to me; OVNR.

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the breaks.
The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road.
After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."

 

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.