Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Why did God invent the Orgasm?

It is so women can still moan even when they are enjoying themselves.

 

No Sex Tonight!
I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and
women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole
Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and
women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were
getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then
she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads
to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as
a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work
to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then
went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked
around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just
buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to
the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought
I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when
she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw
her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from
all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she
finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey,
I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her
jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.
" And just when she had this look like she was going to kill
me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either…

 

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure
and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do. She makes him feel confident and sexy, seductive and invincible...No!...Wait!....Wait!...I'm thinking of BEER! It's ****ing beer that does that!..

 

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrow's off and draw a cock on his forehead. My sister went ****ing mad when she looked in his pram .

 

A little boy was having a bath with his mother. "What's that hairy thing, mummy?"

"Erm, that's my sponge", says mummy, inwardly congratulating herself for her quick thinking.

"Oh yes", says the kid,"the babysitter has one too; I've seen her washing daddy's face with it".

 

An 18 year old Irish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."

 

Perhaps this is why, some un-p.c. types might argue, football is best kept for men and ladies should stick to shopping and ironing.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/36825388

Just looked at the video again.... is that Polter standing in as goalie

 

That is one ugly, erm... Goalkeeper.

 

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police
think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over 1 million worth of improvements

 

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

 

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"

 

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”

 

I'm taking viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.