Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I've just been attacked by some little ginger boy doing martial arts.

It turned out to be the carroty kid.

 

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind,
so Crime Watch is being shown 5 times a week now.

 

I spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave this morning.

Bless her heart, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

 

The police stopped a Syrian in his Transit travelling London-bound on the M20 yesterday.
The officer said,"Do you know the limit is 70..?"
The driver leaned into the back and says: "Did you hear that, you lot? Three of you will have to get out."

 

My mate got a call from the police today.

"Your house has been broken into. They drank all your beer and shagged your wife."

"OMFG", says my mate, "I can't fookin' believe they shagged her after only 4 cans"

 

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in London much to the dismay of
her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a
caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a
railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

 

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker." They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?" The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

 

Little Johnny comes home late from school and his Dad asks, "You're late, where have you been?"

"With Jessica."

"Doing what?"

"Revising."

Little Johnny then picks up a snack from off the kitchen table and says, "Wow, these fishcakes sure smell nice."

His Dad says, "Go wash your hands Son, cos they're ****ing doughnuts!"

 

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life clearly has never had 2 chocolate bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

 

During last night's high winds a famiy were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

 

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.

 

They say that married men live the longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.

 

Do we actually live the longest or does it just feel like it, Kiwi?

 

When I was a kid my parents told me to save my pocket money by putting it into a box in the cupboard under the stairs.

It wasn't until I was 15 that I realised it was the chuffin' gas meter.

 

I hate all this terrorist **** nowadays. I miss the time when you could spot an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think,"I'm ****ing having that!"

 

Finsished?

 

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

 

A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost interest in sex..
.the doctors replied "All we did was correct his eyesight"!!!!!