Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits when she said, "Would you please press 1?"
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards...

 

Thats the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask my girlfriend to sit on my face!

 

Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning was riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail...
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in the driveway...
His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin...
'Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented...
Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night... This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild... We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing... WHO AM I?'...
The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How the hell do you play WHO AM I?'...
Well, all the men go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is...'
The postman laughed and said, '****...!!! sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'...
'Probably a good thing you did Pad,' Murphy responded..........
..........'Your feckin name came up 7 times....!!!'

 

Paddy is having sex with his girlfriend & after half an hour she isn't enjoying it and she isn't orgasming. She says it's because she's getting too hot. So paddy takes her to the doctors and the doctor says he can't do anything for her. So Paddy ring up his mate Mick and asks him to come round and do him a favour. Mick comes, Paddy says "Mick, whilst I'm shagging my girlfriend, I want you to waft her with a tea towel." Mick agrees. So Paddy is shagging away and Mick is wafting, still after half an hour, nothing is happening. Mick comes up with an idea. "How about we swap? I'll shag her and you waft her." Paddy agrees. So they start again, Paddy wafting her & Mick shagging her. After 2 minutes She has the most amazing orgasm ever, and at that moment Paddy shouts, "Now that my friend, is how you waft a tea towel!"

 

Funny, but you have to change the names as Finglas will accuse you of being a racist

 

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around His throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that!"

 

At lunchtime today I hopped off my motorbike and went into my local bank.
As I joined the queue one of the tellers said, "Sir, could you pull your helmet off please?"
Long story short, I'm not welcome in the bank any more!!.

 

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In..in front of you?" He mumbles, shy.
The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh!" said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
nurseUnable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.

 

I asked my north Korean mate how it was
over there, told me he couldn't complain...

 

Whiteboards, there remackable .....







Boo, hiss....

 

I've just found out that cock fighting is done using chickens.


Well, that's a year's worth of training wasted.

 

I was in a very busy supermarket and I said to this young lady, "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a couple of minutes?"

She said,"sure you can, but how will that help?"

"Because any second now she's going to appear from nowhere", I replied.

 

Hmmmm... bit racist...

 

My wife gave me an ultimatum today. She said,"it's either me or Not606, you choose!"

So I'm afraid this is the last joke I tell in which I have a wife.

 

good one uber
will be using that one elsewhere

 

Why is it that women can argue for 3 hours straight, but 2 minutes into a blowjob their "jaw is aching"?

 

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider giving me oral sex. I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I will call her again nearer the time.

 

99% of people are stupid.

Luckily, I’m part of the other 7%

 

If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on Facebook and then comment, "You three look great!"

 

UPDATE ON CINDERELLA

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life, but now a widow, she happily sits in her rocking chair watching the world go by with only her cat Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, and from out of nowhere, there appeared the fairy godmother. "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?", asked Cinders.

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed and after some thought replied,"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my pension and I wish to be wealthy again". Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

The fairy godmother then asked, "What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young again and full of the beauty and youth I once had".
At once, her wish became reality and she was young and beautiful again, and she felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for many years.

The fairy godmother spoke once more,"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

At the wave of the wand, Bob was immediately and magically transformed into the most handsome man Cinderella had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life", and disappeared in a flash of blue light.

Bob and Cinderella looked lovingly into each other's eyes. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella and held her in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you're sorry now that you had my nuts cut off."