Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I've got a gay dyslexic mate whose partial to a bit of Alan...

 

I went to the hospital whilst in Bangkok to get my testicles checked out. As the beautiful nurse was cupping my balls she said,"don't worry, sir, its quite normal to get an erection during this kind of examination".

I said,"but I haven't got an erection!"

You know the rest.

 

My dwarf wife went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest DVD box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

 

Courtesy of somebody calling themselves Fill Werrell on Twatter...

"I've just been watching the Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be OK come Monday."

 

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

 

A couple from a circus goes to an adoption agency, but social workers have doubts about their suitability.
They produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed a fulltime tutor who'll teach the child all the subjects, along with Mandarin and IT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.
"Our full-time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.

The social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were hoping to adopt.
"It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits nicely into the cannon".

 

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.

 

Olympic news;
Chinese girl swimming in finals today is expected to smash the world record by 10 seconds.
Che Teng Twat said she is very optimistic !!!

 

An Irishman, named Mick, takes part in a TV quiz show.
His first question was; what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
He thought for a moment and then gave his answer - "Today and Tomorrow".
The quizmaster was rather taken aback by this and had to call in the adjudicator who said that Mick was indeed correct
even though that particular answer was not on the answer sheet.
His second question was; “How many seconds are there in a year?”
Almost immediately Mick answered "12".
"How on earth can there be only 12?" asked the question master.
"Easy" says Mick - "2nd of January, 2nd of February, 2nd of March and so on".
Once again the adjudicator was called and once again he said that Mick was indeed correct.
Now, his third and final question was; “What was the name of the swagman in the song "Waltzing Matilda?”
Mick, silently went through the words of the song in his head.
"It's Andy", he said.
"OK", said the question master, "Please tell us how you have reached that answer".
So Mick began to sing;-
“Once a jolly swagman sat by a billabong under the shade of a koolabar tree
ANDY sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled
You’ll come a-waltzing Matilda with me.”
Good old Mick went home with a £5,000 cheque.

 

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

 

What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

 

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

 

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

 

Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest."
The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready."

The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

 

Archaeologists excavating a buried chamber in Egypt have fallen upon a sarcophagus holding the mummified remains of a great King embalmed with chocolate and hazelnuts. A spokesperson has revealed that this could be the last resting place of Pharoah Rocher.

 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"Mommy, mommy! I was at the playground, and daddy and..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, and that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."..

 

So, I eventually bit the bullet and went to see my doctor about my premature ejaculation problem.

"It must be very stressful for your wife", he said.

"To be honest", I replied,"it's getting on her tits".

 

Jeez, will you look at that...!

Two packs of Lurpak for just £3.00.

 

Managed to have sex with the wife for 1.5 hours last night... Doggy style.

That's 3 minutes in human time.