Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

I once had a friend who had a job circumcising elephants. The pay was lousy, but the tips were huge.

 

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast

To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell
their answers

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent..'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some
Rudimentary questions

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her
Which ocean is off Canada's East Coast


When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in
bed with my motherThat's why I got Bugger All for breakfast

 

My mate Sid has fallen victim to ID theft.

He's now called S.

 

If I was a plastic surgeon I would absolutely put a squeaky toy into every breast implant.

 

Fred walks into Bert's barn and finds his friend dancing about stark bollock naked and ****ing in front of his agricultural vehicles. "****ing hell, Bert, what the hell are you doing?" Fred exclaims.

Bert says,"Well, me and the missus haven't been getting on very well in the bedroom recently, and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

R?

He likes R, but the C be his first love.

 

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to ****.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

 

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give them a used tampon and ask which period it came from.

 

Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

 

A guy goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond."
"And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake."..

 

I was on the toilet straining really hard when suddenly there was a loud pop and everything went dark.
"Honey are you ok?" "There's been power cut"
"Thank Christ for that" "I thought my ****ing eyeballs had burst".

 

The caretaker at Chelsea Football Club is taking the club to court. Apparently the dust from the trophy room has effected his asthma.

 

I prayed for a bicycle, but God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and asked for forgiveness.

 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this..)








" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

I thought having a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently all it does is change the colour of the baby.

 

A guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.”

The guy walks down, sees Betsy — she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick — like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.

The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.”

 

I was showing my doctor the rash on my knob today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just told me to make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and then walked off with his family & carried on shopping.

 

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World!” The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those." The shop assistant offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the shop assistant realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said. "I was playing you the bee side."