A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."
Man boards the commuter train in the morning. Sits next to another guy and they start small talking. First guy says, "Oh man, I made the most embarrassing mistake this morning, I went to the counter to buy a ticket, and the woman working there had huge breasts. Well, I got distracted and instead of asking for a 'ticket to Pittsburgh' I said "gimme a picket to Tittsburgh!" Second guy says, "Brother, tell me about it. I did a similar thing at the breakfast table. There I am sitting with my wife and I mean to say "Honey would you pass the syrup, please?" but instead I say "YOU STUPID BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.
A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible". The Doctor examines him and then says -”You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days". The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?" "You were homesick".
Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out. "Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross". The other winds down the window, leans out and yells "Get the **** off my car you ****!"
Two brothers, 7 & 4, are chatting and the eldest says "I think it is about time we started swearing, all the kids round here do it and they are so cool. I say we start this morning at breakfast, wait for my lead then you start too" The boys are at the table when their Mum asks what they want to eat, the elder brother says "I'll have toast and jam, bitch" The mother spins round and smacks the living daylights out of the kid and turns to the 4 year old and says "OK. what do you want to eat?" The kid replies "Well it sure won't be f*cking cornflakes"
Son, "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years" Dad "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part Son"