Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

This is a message to the guy who's falsely accused me of following his wife home - I know where you live.

 

Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics, if it sells he'll write one about kent as well.

 

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

 

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

 

Jamie mackie resigning.

 

WOMEN eh!
Boob-jobs,
nose-jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
botox, pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed,
lips tattooed,
tits tattooed,
arms tattooed,
legs tattooed,
lengthy diets,
strenuous exercise. . . . . . . . and THEN,
they won't take it up the arse 'cos: "it hurts!''..

 

My mate just asked me what time QPR kicked off last night?

"Every 10 minutes," I replied...

 

If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges."

 

please log in to view this image

 

From the sublime Best In Show, the legend that is Eugene Levy showing us his two left feet.

I laughed so hard in the cinema that there were actual tears and missed about 20 minutes of the film because I couldn't stop crying. Just hit the funny bone in the right place I suppose.

 

I managed to get my daughter with this one yesterday.

"How much does Cockney shampoo cost? Pantene"

 

I was browsing in my local antique shop and noticed an old chair covered in tampons, I asked the shop keeper what it was and he said it was a period piece.

 

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.