An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative." A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right.
A blonde rings up a travel centre and asks "how long are flights to England" The consultant on the other end says "Just one minute" The blonde says "thanks very much" and hangs up the phone....
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?” The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand. " The tattooist said "For christ sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
I'm not very happy with the latest Sat Nav I've just bought, the voice is Bonnie Tyler & the build quality is rubbish... it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart...
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant. This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
Another elephant's foot joke...... A mouse stumbles across an elephant in the woods which is limping heavily. "What's wrong with your foot?" says the mouse. "There's a thorn stuck in it" replies the elephant. "I'll remove it for you" says the mouse, "but only if you let me f+ck you afterwards". The elephant thinks about this for a short while, the thorn hurts and its hardly likely that the mouse sex is going to be traumatic. "Ok" says the elephant, and the mouse duly removes the thorn, climbs up the back leg of the elephant and positions itself under the elephants tail. The mouse then starts thrusting away with some gusto. Above them sits a monkey in a coconut tree, and at the sight of the tiny mouse sweating and pumping away at the elephant, the monkey starts laughing hysterically, to the degree that the tree shakes and a large coconut falls, hitting the elephant square on the head. "Ooooowww", shouts the elephant. "Yeah, take it all bitch, screams the mouse".
I got one of those new five pound notes today, they say they last longer, not true, I was only in the bookie's a minute and it had gone
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me." She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago." The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle." The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again." Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again." She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights...... "I love you!" She said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and giving me the most amazing sex ever!..... Which is really odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!.....
My sex change operation from male to female went really well yesterday. It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the fμcking hospital car park!
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’. ‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’ The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’ The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’ He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. ‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?’ ‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!’
Q/ How many cross-dressers live near Manchester? A/ Well, nearly 320,000 people round there have a Wigan address.
please log in to view this image A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir. "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?" Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. ~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~