Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

What's the difference between the red and green on traffic lights?

**** all apparently if you are a cyclist.

 

Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...


No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.



Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!


He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

 

Little Johnny looks up from his homework book scratching his head in thought.

"What seems to be the problem son?" asks the Dad. Johnny says "I need to use the words 'potentially' and 'reality' in a sentence but don't know how to do it"

"I've got an idea for you son" the Dad says "go and ask your Mum if she would have sex with Brad Pitt for £100,000 then ask your sister the same question and also ask your big brother the same thing"

Johnny goes up to his Mum and says "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for £100,000?" to which she replies "you bet I would! I'd do it for free but would gladly get paid for it!" Johnny goes to his sister's room and asks the same question, she says "He's not really my type but yeah I'd do it!"

He then sees his brother and says "If I gave you £100,000 would you have sex with Brad Pitt?" The older brother thinks for a moment and says "He's not such a bad looking bloke so if I had to get paid to have sex with a man it could be a lot worse than Brad Pitt, so yeah I'd do it"

Johnny goes back downstairs to his Dad and says that all three of those questioned agreed to sleep with Brad Pitt for £100,000 each. The Dad says "Your sentence for the homework would be "Potentially we are sitting on a fortune but in reality we live with two whores and a poof"

 

My girl friend came out of the shower with a big smile on her face, and said seductively “Baby…I shaved down there…you know what that means right?:
I said “Yeah, it means the f****g drain is clogged again.”

 

Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.

 

- Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?
- No, David.

 

Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing difficult surgeries they had performed over the years.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Toronto. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;

I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing.... A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics"

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs...Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour... all I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass...

I was able to put them together and now ……………………He's running for president of the USA!

 

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the Pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me Horny.. keep me Potent."

The Pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The man says, "Great. Gimme Three Boxes."

The next day the man walks into the same Pharmacy. Limps up to the Pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The Pharmacist looks in Horror as he notices the man's Penis is Black and Blue, and the Skin is Hanging off in Some Places.

The man says, "Quick. Gimme a Bottle of Deep Heat."

The Pharmacist replies in Horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that"..!

The Man says, "No, it's for my Arms, the Girls didn't show up."

 

My parents brought me a dictionary for my birthday, I just couldn't find the words to thank them......

 

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied. "Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,'

So, Here I am!"