Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Relatives had gathered in the hospital waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a length of time, someone asked "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain".

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used".

 

Two couples were camping and they were in separate tents.
Men in one, women in the other.

One man nudged his best friend saying "Jeezus I got a big erection I am going next door to screw my wife."
His friend turned around to him and said "I better come with you."

The other man replied, "What the f**k?...... why is that?"
So his friend said "Well its my dick you have a hold of!"

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says "So what were you watching?"

Billy says "Wimbledon".

 

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.

She bought me some Viagra, and I bought her a treadmill.

 

With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume.

After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Man Utd shirt.

"I think you have misheard me, I said I wanted to look like a count"

 

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

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A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began.
I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."