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Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by kiwiqpr, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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    Now that India has allowed homosexuality, the first lesbian couple have got married. So congratulations to Sukma Flaps and Makemaclit Singh:)
     
    #1961
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it.
    He has no recollection of how he got there.

    While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
    A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man, "I have really bad news.

    You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."

    Stunned, the man asks, "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

    The doctor replies, "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."

    "Will that really help me, doctor?"

    "No", the doctor begins, "but it's all we can fit under the the door."
     
    #1962
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
     
    #1963
  4. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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    Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.

    "Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."

    When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.

    Mick says,"What the **** happened to you?"

    Paddy replies, "I went home for my pyjamas.":)
     
    #1964
  5. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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  6. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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    It's in the way that you blow...

    IMG_3372.JPG
     
    #1966
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  7. durbar2003

    durbar2003 Well-Known Member

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  8. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
     
    #1968
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  9. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
     
    #1969
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  10. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
     
    #1970

  11. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau
     
    #1971
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It was Christmas Eve.
    A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.
    Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
    "What is that?" he asked.
    She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today.
    On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
    Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied,
    "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"
     
    #1972
  13. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
    He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
    Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
    St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

    Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew,
    he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
    A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
    "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
    "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
    "Never," said Ralph.
    "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
    Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,
    "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're $hitting in the bed!"
     
    #1973
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

    He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

    By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

    Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

    Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

    "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
     
    #1974
  15. acricketer

    acricketer Well-Known Member

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    "I'm cycling to work love"
    I go to get my bike out of the shed and realise its pissing down!
    I think sod it, get back into bed for extra twenty minutes and decide to slip the mrs one from behind.
    She moans and starts waking up.
    So I say
    "Its pissing down out there!"
    She replies
    "I know, And that stupid bastards cycling to work!"..
     
    #1975
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  16. Uber_Hoop

    Uber_Hoop Well-Known Member

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    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
    He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know; I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll drive his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshitting' me!"

    The social worker said: "Yeah, well . You started it".:)
     
    #1976
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  17. durbar2003

    durbar2003 Well-Known Member

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    A new charity started in Calais called, shave the children
     
    #1977
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
    "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
    The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
    "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
    On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

    "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
    The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
     
    #1978
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"
    The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
    Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
    The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".
    The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
    The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store"...
     
    #1979
  20. durbar2003

    durbar2003 Well-Known Member

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    Patient is seriously burned when she breaks wind during operation and surgeon's laser ignites the gas at Tokyo hospital
    • Female patient was undergoing a procedure at Tokyo Medical University
    • It involved a surgeon applying a laser to both her cervix and lower uterus
    • But as the surgeon carried out the operation, the patient passed wind
    • It then caused the laser to ignite, sparking a fire and burning the woman's legs

    Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ignites-gas-Tokyo-hospital.html#ixzz4OgvfjCew
    Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook
     
    #1980
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