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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
    A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
     
    #1141
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners.

    Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.

    I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wan*ers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.
     
    #1142
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    They were very good kiwi <ok>
     
    #1143
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
    They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
    He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
    Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
    As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
    Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
    He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
    He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
    "No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."
     
    #1144
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Some tips for 4x4 drivers.
    1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a fcuk what your name is.
    2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally.
    3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.
    4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
    5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
    6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.
    7. When people make "wan*er" signs at you, it"s because you are a wan*er. Learn to live with it.
     
    #1145
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

    It was a lovely service.
     
    #1146
  7. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    Oh!!!!!!!! thats terrible. Very good though.
     
    #1147
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The other day I bought some flavoured condoms and asked the wife if she would like to go to bed and see how many flavours she could guess.

    She jumped into bed and dived under the sheets; "cheese and onion", she yelled.

    "Slow down, woman", I said, "give me a chance to put one on"....
     
    #1148
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

    She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

    It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

    He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".
     
    #1149
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
    A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
    Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
    The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
    "My wife's."
    ''What happened to her?"
    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."


    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
    My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
    A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
    The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
    The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."
     
    #1150
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Subject: The Jewish Quarterback


    > > The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
    > > only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
    > > colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find
    > > a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
    > >
    > > Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank
    > > In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
    > > a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
    > > window 100 yards away.
    > >
    > > KABOOM!
    > >
    > > He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
    > >
    > > KA-BLOOEY!
    > >
    > > Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph, right into the open window.
    > >
    > > BULLS-EYE!
    > >
    > > "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect
    > > arm!"
    > >
    > > So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
    > > football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
    > >
    > > The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach
    > > asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
    > >
    > > "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
    > >
    > > "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
    > >
    > > "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won
    > > the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
    > > adoring fans."
    > >
    > > "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
    > > gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
    > > brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
    > > to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady
    > > pauses, and then tearfully says,
    > >
    > >
    > > "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.”
     
    #1151
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I said to the butcher I bet you £5 you can't reach that nice piece of sirloin on the top shelf.

    He declined as the steaks were too high......
     
    #1152
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1153
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I recently entered a raffle with Dignitas.

    I'm sure they'll contact me, as soon as my number's up.
     
    #1154
  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
     
    #1155
  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Well-Known Member

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    Saint Peter met 3 guys at the pearly gates and asked them how they died . First said he got off the elevator , opened his door and seen his wife in just panties and knew something was up . He looked around and ran to his balcony and seen a guy running down the sidewalk pulling his pants up and picked up his fridge and threw it off the balcony and died from the strain .
    Second guy said he was at the hospital with his wife , who was having a long labor and was sent home to rest . They finally phoned him and said his wife was having their baby and he was running down the sidewalk pulling his pants up when a fridge landed on him . Third guy said " I was sitting in this fridge , minding my own business "
     
    #1156
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1157
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  18. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    That's quality, I'm going to pinch that before @swantastic does. ;)
     
    #1158
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What's the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?

    One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fecking mental, and the other is an agricultural problem.
    please log in to view this image

    please log in to view this image
     
    #1159
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    If only the good die young, does that make everyone over 50 a twat?
     
    #1160

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