1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    I stayed at my mates house in Liverpool last night. It was so bloody cold this morning. I went out to the car and it was minus four.

    Minus four fu*king wheels, Ba*tards!
     
    #1201
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    The Liverpool team visited an orphanage in Liverpool yesterday.

    “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Bradley aged 6.
     
    #1202
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the Liverpool football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday.

    They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.
     
    #1203
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    I just had a go of the Liverpool version of Monopoly.

    Its just like regular monopoly except every space says go to jail.
     
    #1204
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night.

    Liverpool could only manage that if they got Steven Gerrard out of retirement and put him on Mastermind.
     
    #1205
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Why is it everything you buy from Ikea requires assembly?

    I bought a pillow the other day and they gave me a duck!
     
    #1206
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    The second Fifty shades of grey film is set to be the sexiest film ever,

    unless you're Welsh in which case it's the Shawn the Sheep movie. <sorry> :emoticon-0105-wink:
     
    #1207
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned!"

    The priest replies, "Come forth my child!"

    Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"
     
    #1208
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    "You're going to have to change the ringtone on your phone," my wife said to me.

    "What's wrong with The Final Countdown?" I said. "You know I love that song."

    "You work in a Nursing Home for fu*k sake!" She replied.
     
    #1209
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
    After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
    After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
    The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
    That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
    breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
    Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told
    her he hadn't had sex for months.
    Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

    He said, 'Yeah, take the dog for a walk.'
     
    #1210

  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
     
    #1211
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
    She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
    In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
    It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
    The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible.
    As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
    She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
    She was jubilant!!Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
    She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition.
    The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........
    It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take !
    For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !"
    The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
    The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"
     
    #1212
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  13. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    18,198
    Likes Received:
    30,230
    A welshman and an Englishman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the englishman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty English pig fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy englishman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The englishman thinks 'I bet that perfidious welshman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The welshman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that english twat again.
     
    #1213
  14. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    18,198
    Likes Received:
    30,230
    .A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
    Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
    without the slightest success.


    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
    name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
    wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
    water. So, who wants to go first ?"

    The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said..

    "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

    How about you, Paddy ?

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

    Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
    living up to her promise..

    After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
    breath and Paddy said

    "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
    ...........................................


    Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
    Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby..
    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
    The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
    Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

    'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

    'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.
     
    #1214
    Wooperts_duck and kiwiqpr like this.
  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    110,219
    Likes Received:
    214,686
    So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
     
    #1215
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Once a year my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares.
    I baked a couple of cakes to flog - one was priced at a pound, and the other one was a fiver.
    A chap stopped at my stall and looked at the cakes, before pointing at the one costing a fiver and asking,
    "what type of cake is that one, then?"
    I replied, "That"s Madeira cake!"
     
    #1216
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?

    The police have 5,000 pictures of him.
     
    #1217
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Squirrel Problem ?

    There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
    church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a
    synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
    their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
    the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
    with God's divine will.

    At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
    baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
    baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
    the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as
    many squirrels showed up the following week.

    The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm
    any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
    set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
    were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

    But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
    baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the
    church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
    squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
     
    #1218
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1219
    kiwiqpr likes this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    143,816
    Likes Received:
    262,459
    Dear Sir,

    I have a very complicated Benefits Question:

    Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

    As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

    A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

    Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

    Sincerely yours,

    Mohammed


    THE ANSWER:

    Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK

    Welcome!

    Jeremy Corbyn.
     
    #1220
    kiwiqpr and swantastic like this.

Share This Page