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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

    My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

    "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

    "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

    "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

    "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

    "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

    "Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate

    "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

    "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

    "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

    "Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

    "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

    "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham

    "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville

    "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

    "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

    "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

    "Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry
     
    #1281
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  2. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
    "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
    Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
    what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
    He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
    It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
    wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
    He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
     
    #1282
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced
    with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament,
    his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show,
    and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there".
    The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing.
    On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out:
    "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
     
    #1283
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my future wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was.

    I gave her a wink and said, "Get that trolley here love! They're doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2."
     
    #1284
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Stevie Wonder - 7 kids

    David Blunkett - 5 kids

    Ray Charles - 12 kids

    I think it's safe to say it's not wan*ing that makes you blind.
     
    #1285
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Scientists have found a cure for Mad Cow Disease.

    A box of chocolates and a dozen roses apparently.
     
    #1286
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die.
    Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls.
    The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
    "Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
    The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water."I"m afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
    The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I"ll die."
    "Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
    His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
    "I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it"s a trifle bazaar."
     
    #1287
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Me and a mate were standing in a club.

    As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it."

    She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it."

    She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.
     
    #1288
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What`s the difference between a Remainer and a Puppy ?

    Eventually the puppy stops whining !
     
    #1289
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I read that if you masturbate with a dead arm it increases the experience by 50%, so I tried it.

    Absolutely mind blowing but it ruined my Gran's funeral.
     
    #1290
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  11. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

    A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts there.
     
    #1291
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    You won't see me taking the piss out of midgets.

    I'm bigger than that.
     
    #1292
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I phoned Radio Merseyside today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
    The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
    "That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
    "Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
    "Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
    "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Liverpool game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"

    "7", I replied.
     
    #1293
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
    Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
    So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
    The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
    Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
    The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
    The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
    Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
    “What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
    “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”
     
    #1294
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
    As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
    water there is bacteria.
    In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
    that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would
    have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
    found in faeces.
    In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
    whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
    process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
    Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
    Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
    and be full of sh*t.
    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
    I'm doing it as
    a public service ..
     
    #1295
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
    "We have to eat grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

    Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

    "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
    You'll really love my place.
    The grass is almost a foot high."
     
    #1296
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
    • The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
    • The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

















    Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
     
    #1297
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Manchester City fans on the way to Monaco.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #1298
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper.
    I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.
    My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes.
    I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of gross indecency in a public place.
    I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
    We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
    My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
    Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?
     
    #1299
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife gets everything mixed up.

    I get my Steaks well done and my Blow Jobs Rare.
     
    #1300
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