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JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

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    Little sam asked his dad for a bike for his birthday His dad said "no son,the mortgage is 80 grand and your mummy's just lost her job". The next day little sam walked out with his suitcase packed. His dad asked "where are you going son?!" Sam replied, "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum that u were pullin out she said to wait cos she was comin too, and I am not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no ****ING bike!"
     
    #1541
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1542
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The day when all hope is not lost!
     
    #1543
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man is being shown around a latex factory.
    First of all he is shown the machine that makes baby bottle teats.
    The machine makes the sound: hiss, pop, hiss, pop.
    Now, the hissing noise is the latex being poured into the moulds, and the popping noise is the hole being put into the end of the teat.
    Next he is shown the machine that makes condoms.
    The machine makes the noise: hiss, hiss, hiss, pop, so the man says, "hang on a minute, I know that the hissing sound is latex being poured into the mould, but I can hear a popping noise."
    The manager of the factory says, "yes, sir, after every four condoms, we put a hole in one."
    "F*cking hell," the bloke says "that can"t be very good for the condom industry!"
    "No," said the manager, "but it"s f*cking brilliant for the baby bottle teat business."
     
    #1544
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called 'The Tradesman'

    You stay in all day and nobody comes!
     
    #1545
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:


    “Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

    You’ve taken –

    My favourite actor, Patrick Macnee

    My favourite horror actor, Christopher Lee

    My favourite comedian, Robin Williams

    My favourite singers, Cilla Black, Joe Cocker and David Bowie

    My favourite author, Tom Clancy

    And finally, my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan.

    So Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:

    Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, and that stupid loud mouth cow from Scotland
     
    #1546
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1547
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
    He replies: "yes, caffeine."
    "Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
    "Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
    The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
    Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?"
    The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles."
    The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day."
    The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment."
    "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."
     
    #1548
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

    Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quins, five big baby boys."

    The redneck said, "Well, I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a fu*king chimney."

    The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.
     
    #1549
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    79% of accidents happen in the home.

    Finally some good news for the homeless.
     
    #1550

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The football season is now over, better talk to my wife.

    I wonder what she's been up to for the past 9 months?
     
    #1551
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Thinking of getting rid of the wife, British Gas say they will give me £50 for my old boiler.
     
    #1552
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The 2022 World Cup will be held in Qatar, a country where you cannot drink alcohol.

    This will be the one World Cup the Scots will ironically qualify for.......
     
    #1553
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My boss called me yesterday and said, "Where the hell are you?" I said, "I'm relaxing in my garden with my mate Dave, I'm already on my 4th can of lager."

    "I don't fu*king believe you!" He shouted. "Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my 4th can?"
     
    #1554
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I think the wife's taken the news of James Bonds death really badly.

    I came home from work early, and she's upstairs in the bedroom screaming "Roger, more, Roger, more"

    So I left her to it.
     
    #1555
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1556
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1557
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1558
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy & Mick go down to the local job centre, but theres a big sign on the door saying "Interviews for deaf people only".
    Never the less they decide to put on an act. Paddy walks into the office, and the interviewer says "shut the door".
    He does, and the man says to Paddy.."you"re not deaf at all. get out".

    Anyway, Paddy comes out and tells Mick whatever you do don"t shut the door. Mick goes into the room and the
    interviewer says "Shut the door", and Mick replies "Shut it yerself!!!!"
     
    #1559
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, "Lord, can you help me?"

    And a voice said, "Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God."

    And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can feckin help me?"
     
    #1560

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