JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

 

That's terrible!!

 

IRISH MILLIONAIRE

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000

“You've done very well so far,” said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, “but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mick. “I'll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build and live in its own nest?”

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

“I haven't got a clue,” said Mick, “so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin“.

Tarrant rings Paddy and tells him Mick is doing rather well but the next question is worth £1m.

“There are four possible answers, the next voice you hear will be Mick’s and you have 30 seconds to answer the question.” Says Tarrant.

Mick then repeats the question and immediately Paddy shouts down the phone.

“Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?” Says Mick

“I'm 100% sure,” says Paddy, “go for it.”

Mick hangs up the phone and tells Chris, “I'll go wit me friend Paddy, D Cuckoo is me answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris

“Dat it is me final answer,” says Mick,

“If you are wrong you lose £450,000!” Says Tarrant.

“I will still go wit me friend Paddy, D Cuckoo, final answer.” Mick replies.

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
“Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!”

The lights flashed, the confetti rained down and Mick went home a rich man.

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to have a few drinks to celebrate.

“Tell me, Paddy? How in heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build and live in its own nest?”

“Hell Mick,” says Paddy, “that was so easy.”










WAIT FOR IT










BECAUSE HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHOLIVES IN A CLOCK!!!!!!!!!!

 

Islam TV Guide

6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.

8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Ah-ah". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.

11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

12.30 Panoramadan. The programme reports on Americas attempts to make over the world.

13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic
behaviour.

18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.

18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?

19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?

20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.

21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?

22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.

23.30 They think it's Allah over. Quiz culminating in the 'don't feel the Mullah' round.

24.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.

24.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.

01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.

02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.

 

McDonalds Job Application

This Kid will go far…

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thingsince sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.