Off Topic Jokes thread

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You"ve been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "that I"m going to give you a special gift. I"m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I"ll crap on its head!"

 

Two gays were having a day at the zoo.
As they pass the gorilla"s cage, one of them notices that the silverback has a huge erection.
"Do you think he would mind if I touched it?" says one. "Try it," says his mate.
He puts his hand through the bars and is promptly grabbed by the gorilla, who pulls him into the cage, throws him to the ground and shags the living daylights out of him.
A week later he gets a hospital visit from his fellow uphill gardener.
"Does it hurt?" asks his mate.
"Of course it f*cking hurts, he hasn"t called me once, he hasn"t f*cking written............"

 

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The other day I read in the paper, "A woman has been murdered in Manchester, by a 38 year old man who has not been named."
I thought, "38 years old and he still hasn"t been named?
What"s everyone been calling him all these years?"

 

Did you know that, after school, 33 per cent of Scouser teenagers go back to an empty house...
break a window, steal a DVD player and then go home.

 

This American bloke goes into a pub in Southern England.
He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.
The barman says, "you"re good, but Smiffy will have you."
Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.
The barman says, "you"re very good, but Smiffy will have you."
Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.The barman says, "you"re ****ing good, but Smiffy will have you."
With this, the American chap says, "who the f*ck is Smiffy?"
The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.
He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his arse and says, "can you do that?"
The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy f*ckin" had him!

 

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I was talking to my grandad about martial arts yesterday , and I asked him if he knew where the word "Kung fu" came from.
Grandad said, "my old school playground."
So I asked, "how is that, then?"
And grandad said, "during school dinner break, I once threw a brick at a Chinese lad and it hit him right on the back of the head and he turned and screamed, "Wot Kung fu dat?""

 

What does a hooker have at the end of her shift?
A box full of assorted creams.

 

An Irishman is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him.
"Hey," she says "d"ya fancy a bit of this?"
She lifts up her skirt to reveal crotchless knickers and her fanny.
"F*ck that!" says the paddy. "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"