Off Topic Jokes thread

Our aunt Marge has been ill for so long, we're thinking of changing her name to 'I can't believe she's not better.'

 

Washer and dryer for sale.

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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining

 

The top 8 things girls should say to men:

1. I'm bored, let's shave me snatch
2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?
3. That fart was awesome drop another!
4. Of course I swallow, it's amazing
5. No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.
6. Just for a change stick it up me arse.
7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?
8. Marriage? No f*cking way!

Sadly, Carlsberg don't do these girlfriends, but Thailand does!

 

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realizing his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.
After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

 

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A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”
The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”
“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.
“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that ****in smirk off your face.

 

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