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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

Page 137 of 1507
  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor"s for a physical.
    The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally?
    How is your connection with God?"
    And the man says, "oh, me and God? We"re tight. We have a real bond, he"s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
    Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
    He called the man"s wife and said, "I"d like to speak to you about your husband"s connection with God.
    He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
    And she says, "that idiot, he"s been pissing in the fridge!"
     
    #2721
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2017
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2722
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2017
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2723
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2017
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2724
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2017
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2725
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2017
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2726
    antipodean exile, Jul 15, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was standing at the bus stop this morning next to a heavily pregnant woman.

    I said politely, "When is it due?"

    She smiled and replied, "Nine days."

    I said, "Nine days? F*ck that, I'll start walking."
     
    #2727
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My Scouse neighbour has asked in his will for six Liverpool players to be pall bearers at his funeral as he wants to be let down by the club one last time.
     
    #2728
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 15, 2017
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    When I look at the moon, I see you,
    When I look at the stars, I see you,
    When I look at the Sun, I see you,
    When I look at the sea, I see you,
    Bloody wife move out of the way fatty!!!!!!!
     
    #2729
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2017
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Apparently, the inability of Tim Henman to get past a semi has always left his wife very sexually frustrated.
     
    #2730
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2017
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2731
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2017
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2732
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2017
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #2733
    antipodean exile, Jul 16, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The weather in Britain is set to hit the 90's next week,

    .........all except in the Anfield area of Liverpool, which is set to be stuck in the 80's!
     
    #2734
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    When I got home my wife had 2 of her friends round. "Here he is," she said. "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up for it?"

    She smiled and winked. Two minutes later, I appeared naked with my dick in my hand. They all had tennis rackets in theirs!
     
    #2735
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.

    Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

    He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

    Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees.Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:

    "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
     
    #2736
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    On his first outing with his new team at Goodison, Wayne Rooney scored a hat trick.

    Ethel, 64, Agnes 71, and a scorcher, Gertrude, 92.....
     
    #2737
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2017
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON"T SAY
    My tyre was thumping.I thought it was flat.When I looked at the tyre...I noticed your cat.
    Sorry! Heard your wife left you,How upset you must be.But don"t fret about it...She moved in with me.
    Looking back over the years that we"ve been together,I can"t help but wonder..."What the hell was I thinking?"
    Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
    How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?
    I"ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you...I"ve changed my mind. I must admit you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...That you"re not here to ruin it for me.
    Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You"ll probably need it again.
    Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
    Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
    We have been friends for a very long time ..what you say we stop?I"m so miserable without you ...it"s almost like you"re here.
    Congratulations on your new bundle of joy .Did you ever find out who the father was?
     
    #2738
    antipodean exile, Jul 17, 2017
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Muslim fundamentalists have got to be the dumbest terrorists in history.
    Even the f*ckin" Irish worked out you could walk away from a bomb before it blows up!
     
    #2739
    antipodean exile, Jul 17, 2017
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Sad news reports are coming in that a whale, stranded on an English sandbank today, had to be put down despite a massive rescue attempt.
    Still, they were pretty f*cking daft to try to pick it up in the first place.
     
    #2740
    antipodean exile, Jul 17, 2017
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