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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

    "Because your Mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter."

    "Thanks Dad."

    "No problem Alan."
     
    #1861
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
     
    #1862
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1863
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Booked my flight on United Airlines today, I'm really excited now.

    It's been a long time since I was aggressively pulled off!
     
    #1864
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A woman was talking to her friend the other day.
    "Honestly, I don"t know how I keep getting pregnant - it must be something in the air."
    The other woman replies, "yes, your legs."
     
    #1865
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    What did the dwarf get when he ran through a woman"s legs?
    A clit round the ear and a flap across the face!
     
    #1866
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I’m sure that the gambling addiction helpline would get a lot more calls if every 10th caller won a prize or something!
     
    #1868
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1869
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1870
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1871
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Imagine being 85.
    A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day.
    Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer.
    Well, that"s not for everyone of course.
    Some of us arn"t fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords
     
    #1872
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1873
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1874
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #1875
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife "What's the problem?" She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation".

    The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me".
     
    #1876
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great" she said "but these crabs are still itching!"
     
    #1877
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

    Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.
     
    #1878
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
    The agent asked, "What's your name?"
    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
    FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
    Thank you for your advice.
    Sincerely,
    Dick van Dyke.
     
    #1879
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
    The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
    "Where are you from, you sound English?"
    "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
    "What do you do, just across the Severn?" Asks the barman.
    "I'm a taxidermist."
    "What on earth is one of those?" He asks.
    "I mount animals."
    "Its alright boys," shouts the barman, "he's one of us."
     
    #1880

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