Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Please add any good jokes/funny stories you have heard/seen.

Please note that some jokes may be of an adult nature. However jokes/images that are distinctly distasteful are not encouraged and will be removed if they are considered to be offensive.

Please report any content that is felt to be unacceptable via the official reporting system or directly, via PM, to me or OddDog (Oddy).

Please do not enter into debate on the thread. Thank you.

 

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged critter), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box;

"I heard you the first ****ing time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

 

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said:

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"No, but it was my first day with the hook."

 

My mate works in a pet shop where a cute little girl walked in and asked, “Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
My mate’s heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked, “Do you want a widdle white Wabbit or thoft bwack one?”
The little girl replied, “I don’t ’think my python gives a thit.”

 

Dad is out walking with young son when the lad sees a dead sparrow in the gutter!

Son:- "What's wrong with that bird, Dad?"

Father:- "It's dead, son, waiting for Jesus to call it up to Heaven!"

3 days later, Dad comes home from work, the little lad rushes out to meet him!

Son:- "Dad, Dad, I thought Mummy was going to die today!"

Father:- "What on Earth made you think that,son?"

Son:- "She was laid on her back with her legs in the air, shouting,'Jesus, I'm coming!' And I think she'd have gone if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down!"

 

I HAD A BAD DAY

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man,

"Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.

"The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up.

"OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.

"Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."

 

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

Guy goes into a bookshop and asks for a book by Shakespeare.

Which one asks the shopkeeper.

William!!!!

 

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that thebest part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

 

My Great Great uncle came over to Cyprus to celebrate his 95th birthday.

As he'd been a widower for over 20 years I decided to treat him to a trip to a strip club. While we were in there, the girls kept coming over, like they do, to try and get you to pay for a lap-dance. Later on, a girl, who was offering "extras" came over to my G-G-Uncle and started murmuring "Super-Sex, Super-Sex, Super-Sex."

A few minutes late another came over to him and said "Super-Sex, Super-Sex, Super-Sex".

When a third girl came to him and said the same; "Super-Sex, Super-Sex, Super-Sex" he finally replied, with a resigned look upon his face.......

"Could I have the Soup please"

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid .....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

 

This creased me. I love the daft ones!

 

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

 

A bouncer checks the back alley of the club at closing time to find two gay guys at it,so he pulled out the nightstick he uses and chased them into the dark alley.After searching for the elusive amorous chaps to no avail,he shouted into the darkness "if I catch you two I'm going to ram this nightstick up your arses"

"We're in the bin"

 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbours male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.

She had a large house and thought that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage...as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and put it down beside the dogs. I will then phone you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

Teacher: "If I had eight oranges in this hand and seven in this one, what would i have?"

Litthe Johnny: "****in' big hands Miss."

 

Ron, when are you going to post the jokes on here?

 

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

 

My daughter got sent home from school for swearing today! I said 'what did you say?'

She said the 'c' word! I looked at her very disappointed and said 'it's not clever is it'

She said 'No, it was c**t'

 

Well, you all probably know this one, but will re-tell as it is a true story and was in a book written by a young English fellow. After graduating from university, he decided to write a book on Marco Polo, by actually re-tracing the great explorer's route from Europe to Asia.

Halfway through the long long journey he eventually arrived at a remote border post on the Iran/Pakistan border (province of Baluchistan). The Pakistani customs officer, who didn't meet too many foreigners asked the Englishman "Oh, you are British, you must love bottom?". The traveller went red in the face, and not wanting to get into a bind and having to wait at the border post, mumbled softly "Well, I don't know, a bit". "Of course you must", said the customs man, "I mean, here in Pakistan we all love Imran Khan greatly, so you must love Ian Bottom"............