Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Love 'Bumble'!

 

We know that in Britain Sky News attracts a similar audience to Fox News in the USA with its quality brand of news coverage. One of the ‘stars’ of Sky News is Kay Burley, who has a Twitter feed.

When one of the viewers wants to have a go at her, he demonstrates an ignorance of the English language that attracts an appropriately smug response from his target:

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A man asks the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

After ducking into the kitchen, the waiter returns. "We don't do anything special ...we just tell 'em they're about to die."

 

My parents in-law are always complaining about me not taking them anywhere, so a few days ago I took them out for coffee and biscuits.

They were really pissed about having to give blood though.

 

How many Essex girls does it take to ditch the phrase from the dictionary?

Shaat yur norf an saaf, gurls, yu got to get yur nailz dun to go wiv yur bling an yur spray tan.

 

A famous trainer was stood next to his horse and jockey at Royal Ascot in the sixties. As he gave his horse a sugar lump, the Duke of Norfolk came over and enquired.. "I say, what on earth are you doing?"
"It's only a lump of sugar, your grace. Here, have one yourself. "
The trainer put one in his own mouth and the Duke followed suit.
" All right, "said his grace, " but one can't be too careful. "
After he'd left, the jockey turned to the trainer and asked..
" What chance have we got today, guvnor? "
The trainer replied...."No problem. Just give him his head at the furlong pole. Nothing will get past you, except perhaps me and the Duke of Norfolk."

 

Sod you Tam.. I've pulled a muscle in my back (left side) and chuckling at that bloody hurts

 

Two Irishmen were walking past a cemetery and one of them looked at a stone sticking up out of the ground,
"Be Jesus, he lived to a darned good age. 117!"
"What was his name?" asked his mate.
"Miles to London" he quipped.

 

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Time to man up!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-37606726

 

The BBC have commissioned Michael ‘Choo Choo’ Portillo to make a new series of Great British Railway Journeys.

They will concentrate on Southern Rail, the first programme being the Chichester to Warblington Replacement Bus Service and the second being the taxi from Horsham to Warnham.

 

There has been political controversy this month after the Prime Minister Theresa May was pictured wearing £995 leather trousers.

But that was nothing like the trouble caused by MP Keith Vaz paying to get into somebody else’s leather trousers.

 

Has everybody enjoyed the holidays? The annual opportunity to celebrate the greatest ever example of social mobility when a lowly carpenter’s son was born unaided in a stable to a virgin (because his dad could not afford the Call The Midwife DVD) but grew up to perform all sorts of magic like walking on water, turning it into wine and winning Britain’s Got Talent.

As it ‘appens, Operation Yewtree still wish to speak to a Mr Claus after several reports of him visiting children.

 

Q: What is the difference between George Michael and a microwave?
A: The microwave stops when someone opens the door.

 

Ambos arrive just as woman is about to give birth. All of a sudden there's a massive power outage. Ambo asks three year old girl to hold the torch while he gets stuck in. The baby pops out, he gives it a smack and it starts crying. Paramedic asks the little girl what she thinks.

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ... you'd better smack him again."

 

President Donald J. Trump (episode 45 in a continuing soap opera) was going to kick everybody out of America that was there illegally until he found that there were more than 320 million of them because only those ones with the funny coloured skin were there originally and even he would have to leave.

When the reporter from CNN tried to ask him about this, he refused to answer because they are the corrupt media and it is all fake news.

 

A nice mash up from the Netherlands.