Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
> Here are the Stellas for year:
> * SEVENTH PLACE *
> Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
> Start scratching!
> * SIXTH PLACE *
> Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour?s hubcaps.
> Scratch some more...
> * FIFTH PLACE *
> Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
> Double hand scratching after this one..
> * FOURTH PLACE *
> Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour?s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
> Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
> * THIRD PLACE *
> Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
> Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
> *SECOND PLACE*
> Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
> Ok. Here we go!!
> * FIRST PLACE *
> This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?$1,750,000
> PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result
> of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
> motor home.
> If you think the USA court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

 

They would be funnier if true!

 

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK..
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS:
"IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

 

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.
When she returned she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
* 1/3 ownership in the store,
* a company pickup truck,
* a king size bed and
* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

 

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, whydid you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in ikea ."

 

Researchers have found that female 'ejaculate' is actually urine.

I reckon I'm a bit of a stud, because women usually piss themselves when I have sex with them.

 

A mother in-law said to her sons wife when the baby was born

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son"

The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said...

"I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a ****ing photo copier !!"

 

When it comes to anagrams, I don't know my earholes from my arsehole.

 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some booze with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

 

I had to give my girlfriend CPR in the middle of sex last night.

It was the easiest way to blow her back up.

 

I have a measured IQ of 120 which puts me in the very superior intelligence level.

And it only cost me £3.50 plus one standard rate text message to find out.

 

So after 44 years The Sun has decided to do away with page 3. And presumably page 4 since it's on the other side.

 

After a motorway pile up the rescue services approach a car with a man in the front seat. The man is screaming and shouting.

In an attempt to calm the situation one of the rescue staff says, "Calm down, it could be worse. Your wife, for example, was thrown out of the front windscreen and onto the road."

The man replies, "Yeah! But did you see what she had in her f**king mouth?!"

 

is this true

 

If The Sun really has stopped showing tits on Page 3 then that's the last time I splash out on a copy.

 

After the first night of our honeymoon the hotel manager told us that we'd have to change rooms because of the amount of noise my wife makes when she's making love.

"But we didn't make love last night", I protested.

"I know", he replied,"but we remember her from the Hen Party..."

 

This Fridays is going to be the last page three. I haven't bought a news rag for years now but may buy Fridays Sun being it may have some value in a few years.

You will see in many years a much older UTR's on the antiques road show.

Antiques expert on the show- "So UTR's what have you bought in for the team to see?", Me- "Well it's the last paper wot had baps in ennit.."

 

...but unfortunately the valuable pages are stuck together....

 

I've just noticed Casualty is up to series twenty nine and to keep it true to life, some of the patients from series one are just being seen.

 

I took the Eminem CD I'd bought back to the shop, because there was nothing on it.

"Did you open it?" asked the assistant.

"Of course I did," I said.

"Well, there's your problem," he said. "You've removed the wrapper."