Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Have you been snooping around the top shelf of my wardrobe again?

 

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad
& my new surround sound music system and ham radio were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat
and to top it off it was a heatwaveoutside, so I couldn't play Bowls
...............
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then
I remembered that this also needs power,
so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.





She seems like a nice person.

 

Amazing how your values change as you age!

I LOVE THIS WOMAN
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

 

A recent survey has shown that 43% of women have used vibrators...

The other 57% bought them new.

 

This morning some homeless man said, "Any spare change mate? I'm starving."


I just walked off, shaking my head... I mean honestly, who the **** eats coins?

 

Two oranges walk into a bar.One says to the other 'Your round'.

 

Computer: "Enter new password."
Me: "Beef stew"
Computer: "Sorry, not stroganoff"

 

A survey was conducted to find out how people got home from the pub.

The result was staggering......!

 

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

 

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who
was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

 

On average, an Englishman/Scotsman or Irishman will have sex two to three times a week, where as a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is upsetting news, as I had no idea I was Japanese

 

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second, a well mannered elderly woman from the South..
When conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"...

 

What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

Lie awake wondering if there is a dog.

 

My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?

Remains to be seen

 

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, “Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

 

BBC News

"Being obese can cut your risk of dementia"

Let's rephrase that to

"Fat ****ers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

 

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

 

OK so one more crap joke from me today...

A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,

"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,

"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in themorning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found$110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “Each pill was$10, not $110.""I knew that," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"

 

I had some Korean meatballs the other day.
They were the dogs Bollocks.