Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Sepp Blatter?" asked Pinocchio.

 

If VISA do a u-turn and end up sponsoring the 2018 World Cup, then someone should start a campaign for customers to boycott paying Visa.
I can join, as of 7 months ago.

 

A farmer went to a local pub and ordered
a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said,
'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said.
'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too,
I am also celebrating, 'said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added:
'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man
. 'I'm a chicken farmer
and all last year my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman,
'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said

'What a coincidence!'

 

A priest is called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave theconfessional unmanned, he calls a rabbi friend and asks him to cover
for him. The rabbi tells him he wouldn't know what to say, but the
priest says he'd show the rabbi what to do. The rabbi agrees and he
and the priest both enter the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I
have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?" The woman says "I
committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put £5 in the box and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says
"Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you
do?" The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say three Hail Mary's, put £5 in the
box and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest
leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me
for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed
adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Just once." Rabbi: "Go do
it two more times. We have a special this week, three for £5."

 

Not the funnest joke but so true...

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

 

Sepp Blatter has announced he will resign to spend more time with his family and his shredder.

 

I saw a sign in McDonald's today, it said 'we do not accept £50 notes'.

F*ck me, if I had a £50 note, I wouldn't be eating in McDonald's.

 

**** me that FIFA 16 video game is realistic.

Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

 

Just watched an advert on TV about controlling issues of incontinence.

I pissed myself laughing....

...then I hit rewind and took down the number.

 

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached
her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies
room."

 

Police Officer Test
How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years!

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:
BANG !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

 

When does Saddam Hussein have his dinner?



































After Tariq Aziz.

Aythangyou!

 

WALKING ON THE GRASS
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfacelike grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you togo walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowlyraised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

 

Sent a note through my neighbour's letterbox this morning.

It read: "I don't know whether it is spelt 'died' or 'dyed', either way, I'm afraid your cat is a different colour.. And not alive."

(Good morning Kiwi)

 

good evening utrs
wheres the Barnsley whippet

 

(I spotted him in your shed not so long ago!)

While digging a hole today, I found a box full of old five pence pieces.

I couldn't hold back my excitement, and I ran indoors to tell the wife...

And then I remembered why I was digging the hole.

 

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The Daughter said ““I do….“”

 

did he buy her a cat

 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”