Some Fun For a Friday Afternoon

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A few here have to be getting a little bit worried... No names, no pack drill.

 

At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught onfire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ..."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golfclub with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........


LONG SILENCE.........


VERY LONG SILENCE............


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver,you're in deep ****."

 

Quietly liked.

 

I have been demented for years then!

 

A number of hours have passed, Scullion, and nobody's posted any sort of protestation against your last post...

 

Quite possibly because we're all demented too...

 

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.

The Social workers raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in Paediatric care, Welfare and Diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter as long as they fit in the cannon."

 

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"

Abe replies,"I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.

" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realising he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,

"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews

 

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You only had one job...

 

I could've put this on the politics thread, but as it was brought to my attention by a friend, I thought that I'd put it here.


I can't even think of anything to add to this.

Two Storey Outhouse

Words fail me! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.

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Yep!!! This pretty much says it

 

I may agree If I could see the picture, but there doesn't appear to be anything there...

 

Here is a link to the original article: https://mortongrovenews.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/its-good-to-be-the-king/
I didn't realise it was from 2 years ago until I had to look for it!

 

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That takes me back a good few years to a holiday in the wilds of Finland. We had stopped for lunch at a cafe which was in a double-story log cabin & the toilets were at one end of the cabin, women upstairs, men downstairs. Both toilets were simply a room with a long bench against the wall, with holes dotted at intervals - no flush. Apart from being alarmed at the lack of privacy, we couldn't quite work out what happened to the 'deposits' made by the women as their toilet was directly above the men's...

 

Trekking in Nepal a long time ago we came across what was named the trek's only flushing loo - it was positioned over a mountain stream! I felt for the people in the valley.