The barnsley joke page

Things You Learn From Watching Porn

Women wear high heels to bed.
Men are never impotent.
When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with come.
Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.
Women always orgasm when men do.
Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum.
If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn"t disgusted!)
Double penetration makes women smile.
If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won"t bash seven shades of sh*t out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend"s mouth.
There"s a plot.
When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.
Nurses suck patients cocks.
When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she"ll only be momentarily pissed off before f*cking both of you.
Women never have headaches.
When a woman is sucking a man"s cock, it"s important for him to remind her to "suck it"
A man ejaculating on a woman"s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man"s pants and find a cock there.
Men don"t have to beg.
When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman"s head and the other proudly on his hip.
Pigtails = handlebars.

 

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A bit like the Netherlands ladies football team!

 

"Mummy, Coutinho has handed in a transfer request"

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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream.
He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

After Hull City were going to change their name to Hull City Tigers, Liverpool wanted to follow suit and call themselves Liverpool Steelers.

 

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck"s one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon."Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.
"The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire"
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

 

Been doing some D.I.Y. around the house.
So I rang the local council to ask can I have a skip outside my house.
The bloke from the council said "you can cart wheel round the f*cking block for all I care".

 

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My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a f*cking scarf."

 

Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and yours is in the vets?