The barnsley joke page

Today i found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Now she has made a formal complaint and I've been banned from the gym.

 

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During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

 

Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year.

Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.....

 

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin.

So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

 

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it?

 

A little lad in a Yorkshire primary school gets to take his pet kittens into class.
The teacher says to him, "they are very nice, what do they like to do?"
The little lad replies, "they like to watch Leeds United, miss.
"Teacher; "ah, that"s real cute"
A few weeks later, she asks the little lad what his kittens are up to.
He replies, "they are watching Barnsley, miss."
The teacher says, "but I thought you said they were Leeds fans?"
"They were, miss, but now their eyes have opened!"

 

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:
Lady - Hello I"d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.
She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?
Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B.Hospital - I"ll just put you through to the nurse station.
Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help?
Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?
Nurse - I"ll just check her notes. I"m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree"s conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.
Lady - Oh that"s wonderful news, I"m so happy, thankyou ever so much!
Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?
Lady - No, I"m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you **** all in here.........."

 

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had digital sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

 

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A guy has a bad cycling accident that results in him losing his penis, after finally being released from hospital and deciding that he badly missed his old friend he decided to go and see a consultant surgeon who specializes in gender adjustment.
The surgeon looked at him and said, “wow! the damage here is pretty bad I’m not sure that we can do the normal procedure”
When the man started to cry uncontrollably the surgeon said “Wait my friend there is possibly something we can do, I have been experimenting with a new procedure of grafting parts from different animals on to humans and I think I can do something for you”
The man says “I’ll try anything Doc, my wife is threatening me with divorce.
The Surgeon says “Ok, for this procedure we will initially try to graft a baby elephant’s trunk in place of your penis, it won’t look too odd and in this case it is not too big, maybe 15 inches.”
The man agrees to give it a try and undergoes the procedure, 2 months after the operation he returns to the surgery for a check-up and the surgeon asks him how things have been.
The man says “Well I can tell you that the wife loves it, it works wonderfully well, I can pass urine and it is really sensitive on the tip if you know what I mean”
“Great” said the surgeon, “is there nothing negative?”
“Well, just one thing doc, every time I go to the bakery it tries to shove buns up my arse”

 

A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt"
But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

 

THE PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE:

I here by request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. P. Niss.

Response:

After considering your request and the arguments raised we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

Yours sincerely,
Ms. V. Gina