The barnsley joke page

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?


Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."


The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"


The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says fu*k you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love lawyers?

 

This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers."This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."

The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wan*ered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings Lords cricket ground.

When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"

 

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me a bloody arm and a leg.

 

I can't believe it, 7 weeks until Pancake Day, and the shops are already selling flour and eggs !!

 

Cristiano Ronaldo was bowled over by his player of the year award.

Even though slow-motion replays showed that it clearly never touched him.

 

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A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you..." to which the doctor replies "I know... I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy".

"No, that's not it" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn".

 

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?"

The man answered "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners.

Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.

I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wan*ers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.

 

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy"s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don"t mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "Okay. Why don"t you go behind this hedge?"She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I"ve changed my mind, I'm taking a dump instead."

 

Some tips for 4x4 drivers.
1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a fcuk what your name is.
2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally.
3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.
4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.
5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces".
6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.
7. When people make "wan*er" signs at you, it"s because you are a wan*er. Learn to live with it.

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

 

The other day I bought some flavoured condoms and asked the wife if she would like to go to bed and see how many flavours she could guess.

She jumped into bed and dived under the sheets; "cheese and onion", she yelled.

"Slow down, woman", I said, "give me a chance to put one on"..

 

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00". She says "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $34.50 please".

The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".