The barnsley joke page

I just had a go of the Liverpool version of Monopoly.

Its just like regular monopoly except every space says go to jail.

 

Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night.

Liverpool could only manage that if they got Steven Gerrard out of retirement and put him on Mastermind.

 

Why is it everything you buy from Ikea requires assembly?

I bought a pillow the other day and they gave me a duck!

 

The second Fifty shades of grey film is set to be the sexiest film ever,

unless you're Welsh in which case it's the Shawn the Sheep movie.

 

Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned!"

The priest replies, "Come forth my child!"

Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"

 

"You're going to have to change the ringtone on your phone," my wife said to me.

"What's wrong with The Final Countdown?" I said. "You know I love that song."

"You work in a Nursing Home for fu*k sake!" She replied.

 

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told
her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

He said, 'Yeah, take the dog for a walk.'

 

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant!!Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........
It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take !
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"

 

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
He says: "No, but I"ve got dangling balls on a 9 inch."
"That"s not a record is it?"
"It is for a 10 year old."

 

The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble
getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things
then said he was going to check with the wife.
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".
The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
I couldn't get an erection either".

 

Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?

The police have 5,000 pictures of him.

 

Squirrel Problem ?

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian
church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a
synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded
the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as
many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

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Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated Benefits Question:

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Mohammed


THE ANSWER:

Of course you qualify Mohammed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here in UK

Welcome!

Jeremy Corbyn.

 

A Teacher Asks Little Johnny What He Did Over The Weekend
"My Cat Died" Exclaimed Johnny "I Knew He Was Dead Cos I Pissed In His Ear" ,
The Teacher Says "You Did What!?",
And Johnny Says "I Leant Over And Went "Psst", And The Little Fcuker Didn"t Move!"

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.

 

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It was so cold this morning I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!