The barnsley joke page

Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at the Etihad Stadium?

Because it's the only place in the world with no atmosphere.

 

I got thrown out of our local RSPCA meeting the other week, we went in to a small room and all I said was, "there isn't enough room to swing a cat in here."

 

A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.

He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?" Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today." So the man orders some.

The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster"

 

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I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted sex with her.

"No, thank you," I said. "You"re far too young."

"How do you know my name?" she asked.

 

It's always exciting getting a Valentines Day Card shoved through your door, no stamp, just your name on the envelope.

Except, when you're in prison...

 

My eleven year old son came home from school yesterday, all embarrassed, and told me they had done "Sex Education" in class.
Later, I went into his bedroom to find him humping away on next doors ten-year-old daughter.
As you can imagine, I went mad!
"What the hell do you think you"re doing?" I screamed.
He looked at me and said, "erm.......homework?"

 

I went to see an escort last night. She advertised a real girlfriend experience. When I got there she opened the door and said, "You're late, I bet you've been down the pub."

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

 

Scientists proved there is a link between heading a ball and Alzheimer’s, after Liverpool players couldn’t remember the last time they won something.....

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

 

I went into the library and asked if they had a book called, "How to spot a lady-boy." He said, "I'm sure we do, it's probably tucked away somewhere."

I said, "That's the one."

 

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I"m very proud of my Grandfather.
He shot down two German planes.
Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.

 

My Mum used to say "You can"t have it both ways"

Well, she"s changed her tune since I caught the Milkman giving her one up the arse.

 

How can you recognise a French war veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

 

My neighbour accused me of being a bad parent after listening to my baby son crying on the baby monitor for over an hour earlier.

"Piss off," I said. "Loads of parents use baby monitors."

"Yes they do," he replied. "But not in the fu*king pub!"

 

Arsenal last won the league way back in 2004 and the song 'Crazy Frog' was No 1.

13 years on and he's still there.

 

Kids today!

My lad said earlier, "Can we go to McDonald's?"
I said, "You can if you can spell it."
He replied, "F*ck it, can we go to KFC instead?"

 

After clearing out the loft yesterday I gave an old Casio keyboard to the local youth centre.

Does this mean I'm an organ donor now?