The barnsley joke page

I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.

I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.

 

If there's any vegetarians out there who fancy a very tasty snack, but want the guarantee that there is no meat in it whatsoever, I suggest a steak bake from Gregg's.

 

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

 

Any Call of Duty players? I have this problem. I just finished a team death match game and I went to see stats but the stats I'm looking for are not showing up and now that the girls have stopped reading this does anybody know a good porn site?

 

Wish me luck in this year's London Marathon. I managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds last year.

This year I will try to beat that, but I usually get bored and turn over to watch something else.

 

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Mens handy hints No 1.

If your girlfriend catches you looking at another woman, turn to her and say, "I’m glad you don’t dress like that."

 

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

 

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Article 50

 

Didn't get much sleep last night thanks to my neighbour playing a Lionel Richie song over and over again!

I wouldn't normally mind but it was "All night long!"

 

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques shop today.

"You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant.

"Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."

 

My mate was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from a severe case of premature ejaculation.

I phoned the hospital to get an update of his condition and they replied, "it's touch and go at the moment."

 

My mate needed a Bone Marrow transplant and after many searches we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place and was a great success.

Our thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.

 

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My missus went swimming in the ocean while we were on holiday. I shouted to her, "be careful out there!"

She said, "Don't worry, there are no sharks in these waters."

I said, "No, but I heard the Japanese whaling fleet is in the area."

 

Scotland have said they don't want independence after we said they could have it on one condition they take Liverpool with them.....

 

Interesting Human Body Facts-

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.-
A full bladder is roughly the size of a cricket ball-
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.-
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.-
The average man"s penis is three times the length of his thumb.-
A woman"s heart beats faster than a man"s.-
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.-
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.-
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.-
The average person"s skin weighs twice as much as their brain..-
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You looked at your thumb... Didn"t you?