The barnsley joke page

My Girlfriend`s just been checking to see if she has everything ready for her first solo parachute jump tomorrow.
I said, "Have you got a spare pair of knickers with you?"
"What, in case I s*it myself?" She replied.
"No." I said, "In case your main chute doesn't f*cking open!!..

 

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So Arnie has confirmed he'll be in the new Terminator film.

"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!"

 

Although my girlfriend is addicted to smack she's still so beautiful.

Those lips, those eyes, that tooth...

 

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a f*cking teddy-bear laying right f*cking here beside me when I f*cking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a f*cking train going around the f*cking tree, and when I go outside I want to see a f*cking bike leaning up against the f*cking garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a f*cking dog but I can"t find the b*stard

 

Bill took his dog to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I"m afraid I"m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog"s tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law"s arriving tomorrow, and I don"t want anything to make her think she is welcome."

 

A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I"m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You f*cking nutbar, you"re not in a car, you"re in a mental hospital!"
A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the f*ck up will you, he"s giving me twenty quid a day to wash the B*astard."

 

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My girlfriend wasn't happy when I got her some of Victoria Beckham's designer underwear.

"The bra's too small," she said, "and the knickers are cutting into me. Could you take them back?"

"I doubt it," I replied. "David nearly caught me when I was robbing them off the washing line!"

 

$45 billion dollars found in a Nigerian flat.
The poor guy spent the last 10 years trying to share it but no bugger responded to his emails.

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Near my house lives a really hot deaf girl. I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine.

Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language. I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.'

That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

 

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This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. "10 camels for your beautiful wife?"

And every time I tell them to f*ck off, before winking at the wife.

If she is that f*cking beautiful, why the f*ck are they trying to sell her back to me?